Ladies and gentlemen, tonight a battle will be waged for the very musical soul of Houston. In this corner, from Detroit, wearing very little, heavily armed, and dragging the corpse of the Great White Buffalo behind him, the wild man of rock himself, Ted Nugent.
And in this corner, from Paris, France, presumably wearing the official uniform of France with a striped shirt, pencil mustache, and beret,* fresh from a dynamite time at SXSW unloading their technopop stylings, vocalist and guitarist Philippe Beer-Gabel of General Bye Bye.
*Our knowledge of French culture is derived entirely from Animaniacs episodes.
Cue the entrance music, this is the Cage Match!
Rocks Off: Monsieur Beer-Gabel, can you please the millions of Houstonians reading this column exactly why they should forego a trip to Nutty Jerry's to see Ted Nugent, and instead use their hard-earned recession dollars to drop in at Mango's for your set?
Phillipe Beer-Gabel: Firstly, Ted is from Texas. You can see him any day of the week...
RO: He's not, y'know? He's from Detroit. You could fit most of your continent between them.
PB-G: I SAID HE'S FROM TEXAS!
RO: What the hell did you just hit me with?
PB-G: A kantele. It's like a zither.
RO: Whatever. You were (incorrectly) saying?
PB-G: Ted is from Texas. You can see him any day of the week. We're from Paris, France and have traveled across the Atlantic Ocean to perform for "y'all." We are finishing a five-week tour and are warmed up, ready to play our best and final performance in Houston before heading home.
Ted is just Ted. We're three! Three is greater than one. We are exotic. Our music is fresh and clean, rock n roll meets indie pop. Can America handle it? There's only one way to find out. And so of course, the choice seems clear. Mango's for General Bye Bye this Thursday night is the place to be.
And we'll throw in free French goodies: Stadium cups, pens, buttons, lighters. Does Ted come bearing gifts? We seriously doubt it.
RO: The gauntlet has been thrown down, Mr. Nugent. They have pens to give. What do you have to give?
Ted Nugent (from "Hey Baby"): Hey baby. Jump in the back of my Ford. I'm gonna give you a ride, baby, you never could afford.
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RO: Remind me not to go camping with you...