Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!
Monday morning, Rocks Off got up and prepared lunches, fed dogs, pantsed ourselves properly, and just in general got our day a-going. If the kid sleeps in, we usually have the TV tuned to The Weather Channel as the morning background music. We were surprised to hear "I Want You to Want Me" by Cheap Trick, followed by a mighty crash.
Apparently the band was playing a festival in Ottawa, Canada, when a sudden storm descended upon the show and bitch-slapped the entire stage. The whole structure collapsed backwards, injuring several people.
The band had fled the stage only seconds before the incident, and thankfully, no one was killed. That last fact was mentioned only passingly at the end of the story because years of watching The Weather Channel has convinced us that the meteorological staff at the station achieve sexual satisfaction only when Mother Nature murders someone.
The good news is that Robin Zander and co. will live to rock another day. The bad news is that the incident insures that there will not be long to rock. The end is nigh. As always, the answer lies in Revelation.
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;
And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
Earthshaking... black skies... just look at the video! It couldn't be any clearer. It even gets eerier. The stars of heaven fell in a mighty wind? There is no band more deserving of the title of star than the members of Cheap Trick. They didn't base the main characters of Rock and Rule on the Bay City Rollers, did they?
No they did not. They knew that there was no one second to Cheap Trick.
Cheap Trick, and Robin Zander in particular, are referred to many times throughout Revelation. For instance...
And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
You could give that description to a police sketch artists and they would draw Zander singing 'The Flame" through the tears he shed over one of the band's few crap tunes. His voice is definitely the sound of many waters, his blonde hair is almost white, and something something brass feet... it's all makes sense, ok?
Of course, all the references to Cheap Trick, almost 65 percent of Revelation by our count, could have another meaning. Maybe the text is actually the ravings of a fourth-dimensional madman just waiting for the Dream Police to come and save him from all the nine-titted dogs and Bono-breathing dragons.
Maybe it's not so much a revelation as a cry for help from the rock gods of the future. Maybe we're being silly looking for the end of the world in the pages of the Bible and recent music news.
Fuck that. It's all going to end any day now. Fire! Scorpions! An army of Avril Lavignes armed with molten feces cannons. Repent sinners... and seriously, go rent Rock and Rule before the end of the world. It's a great flick.
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Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.