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Chubby Checker, the Man Who Killed the Boner App

Chubby Checker, the Man Who Killed the Boner App

There's no way to say this in a ladylike fashion, so fuck it.

Because someone, somewhere wants me to make middle-school boner jokes today, Chubby Checker of "Twist" fame is suing Hewlett-Packard and Palm for releasing the "Chubby Checker," an app used to estimate a dude's potential boner size by measuring his foot. (Apparently the whole "judge a man by his shoe size" old wives' tale is true. Who knew?)

Marketed by its ability to support different units of measurement depending on your region, the app promises to help eliminate that whole "awkward disappointment with his mini-me" thing that we ladies so often face.

But don't issue that collective sigh just yet, ladies. The boner app has been off the market since September 2012, essentially ruining the lives of millions of women who weren't even aware the damn thing even existed.

Chubby, whose real name is Ernest Evans, is claiming that the use of the name "Chubby Checker" not only violates his trademark, but is also violates him by tarnishing his image with the obscene sexual connotations... and the lack of royalties he's received from all 84 downloads.

Chubby's attorney, Willie Gary, (yes, Willie; the jokes write themselves), stated the following:

This lawsuit is about preserving the integrity and legacy of a man who has spent years working hard at his musical craft and has earned the position of one of the greatest musical entertainers of all time.

We cannot sit idly and watch as technology giants or anyone else exploits the name or likeness of an innocent person with the goal of making millions of dollars. The Defendants have marketed Chubby Checkers' name on their product to gain a profit and this just isn't right.

The loss of this magnificent app only leads me to think of what could have been, given the opportunity. With Chubby Checker clearly out of the whole "penis app" game, I'd like to extend the opportunity to the following early rock and roll-era musicians to jump on this pony.

Prepare to be mind-blown.

 

The "Great Balls of Fire" App , courtesy of Jerry Lee Lewis

The "Boney Maroney" App , by Ritchie Valens

The "It Ain't the Meat" App , by The Swallows (who get bonus points for TWO awesome double entendres)

The Banana Boat App , by either Harry Belafonte or Steve Lawrence (or both, your choice!)

Or, if you'd like to be really specific in your sizing efforts, we could always go with:

The "Big Ten-Inch Record" App , by Bull Moose Jackson

Think about it. With my marketing skills and your erection references, we can take this shit platinum.



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