All right, our non-native Mexican brothers. If you're going out tonight to have some Coronas, hit on drunk Latinas and take silly pictures while wearing a sombrero, at least try not to look like a total jerk. Rocks Off is going to help you, but we need to start by schooling you on the basics.
- Cinco De Mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day. So don't walk up to a fine ass Mexican chick and scream in her ear, "Happy Independence Day in your country!" We've seen it happen. You're going to get "next-ed."
- Cinco De Mayo is NOT celebrated in Mexico, except for maybe in the Mexican state of Puebla, so if you're spitting some game at mami, at least get some background on her. If she's from Mexico, Cinco de Mayo is probably another reason to make fun of Americans and is like St. Patrick's Day for you - just an excuse to get drunk. So keep it light.
- And while this one is pretty simple; we've been asked by our Anglo friends, "What does Cinco de Mayo mean?" It means the "5th of May."
Now to the pick-up lines. These have actually worked for us. We know - we're not white, so you're thinking, "Why have you used pick-up lines?" Well, believe it or not, native Mexicans think of us as Gringo, like you, because we're like four generations in this country. We're not "one of them." So this is to help our Mexican-American brothers, too. And while these lines are cheesy, the beauty about dumb holidays is that, for a few days out of the year, you can be cheesy and it's ok. But it's all about the delivery. Introduction: "Damn, it's crowded in here. Isn't it ridiculous that all these people are here partying for a holiday that isn't even celebrated in Mexico? It's kind of meaningless. Americans should be celebrating like this in September, not May." She'll say something like, "Really? I didn't know that." Or, "I know, it's dumb. I'm just here with a bunch of girlfriends having fun." Then introduce yourself and after she tells you her name say, "Thank God. At least now Cinco de Mayo doesn't seem so meaningless." But when you say it, say it matter-of-factly, looking at the crowd, and putting the beer to your lips. It won't seem so "tried." Now, here's where you make yourself culturally relevant. We're going to give you five songs. Write them down on a piece of paper. Hand the DJ, $10 or $20, depending on how much you want her number, and give him these five songs. You know how we (Americans) have certain songs that rock the bar crowd? For instance, Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" or The Police's "Roxanne"? Well, Mexicans have their equivalents. Learn the following tracks and practice dancing to them, because this is the most important part of your quest. These are certified, 100-percent badass Mexican songs that are no doubt going to catch your her attention. Trust us - we got them from the hottest Mexican girl we've ever met. When you ask her to dance, give her a little smile and tell her, "I had to request these for you."
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OK, now we're at the end of the night. Shots have been taken, smiles exchanged and heavy flirting has occurred. Now invite her out to eat and tell her you want to feed her french fries. She might look at you weird, but follow up with, "Well, the Mexicans beat the French on Cinco de Mayo. We have to follow tradition." Now that's how you get your Cinco de Mayo game up. Invoice is in the mail.Rolando Rodriguez is the managing editor of RedBrownandBlue.com. Follow him on MySpace and on Twitter, or befriend him on Facebook.