Congrats, J: 10 Graduation Gift Ideas for Justin Bieber
So, this happened.
Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber managed to graduate from high school recently, earning his diploma from St. Michael Catholic Secondary School in Stratford, Ontario, a school that was kind enough to offer him electronic courses uncontaminated by loathsome U.S. politics. Bieber moved to Atlanta with his mother five years ago to break into the music biz, a plan which appears to have gone fairly well for them to this point.
We were a little embarrassed that we didn't attend the commencement; we've got bills to pay, as we're sure Mr. Bieber would understand. How do we know? Well, he didn't attend his own graduation ceremony, either. That gives us an opportunity to save face. Nothing says "Congrats, Grad!" like a thoughtfully chosen graduation gift, and we've got a few bright ideas on what Justin might like.
Since more than a few of our loyal readers probably neglected to get Selena's man anything as well, Rocks Off has helpfully compiled this handy list of gift ideas for the Bieb's big day. If you decide to get him one, just tell him it's from both of us.
10. Waxing Kit
The Bieb's baby-faced cuteness has been central to his appeal since day one, and as Jonathan Lipnicki could probably tell you today if anyone cared enough about him to find him and ask him, that shit don't last.
Now that J.B. is a high-school graduate, it's all downhill from here in the looks department. Luckily, this professional-quality waxing kit will help Justin keep himself looking young and hairless well into his 30s, prolonging his ride on the child-star money train for as long as possible before his first arrest.
Armpits, chest, whatever. Just... keep it above the waist, Biebs. The pubes are best left to professionals.
9. A Pistol
You're a man now, Justin. It's time to strap up. As Texans, we feel duty-bound to deliver a reliable weapon that you'll be able to enjoy for decades to come, remembering your momentous graduation every time you fire a round. We know they probably didn't offer any firearm safety courses at your Canadian high school, so be really careful with this gift, okay?
Since this will (probably) be Bieber's first handgun, we recommend a revolver for simplicity's sake. A .357 Magnum would be a fun place to start, and it shoots easy-to-find .38 special rounds for training. When he's ready, J.B. can bump it up to .357 ammo and blow the nuts off a moose from 100 yards away.
8. Pen Set
Justin's not in high school anymore -- it's time to slap that Bic out of his mouth. A man with a diploma deserves a writing instrument with a little more class, wouldn't you say? Luckily, there's a whole industry devoted to coming up with these nice, affordable monogrammed pen sets for graduates. Not for no reason, either: They really do make the perfect graduation gift.
Might we recommend rosewood ballpoints with brass hardware and "BELIEVE" laser-cut into the barrel? It'd be perfect for signing hundreds of contracts and autographs in comfort and style.
7. A Private Dance
Come on -- you're not his mom. You're not even related. What's the harm? If you want Justin Bieber to remember your high school graduation gift, then do it right and buy him a private dance at a strip club.
Naturally, since Bieber's only 18, you'll have to take him to a full-on nudie bar, and it's probably only fair to pay his cover. If you're worried that'll leave you a bit light after you pick up a case of Molson, here's a protip: Take him in on a Tuesday night. You won't get the A-team, but you'll probably get a better deal. There's a recession on!
6. University of Phoenix Application
Now that he's got 12th grade in the books, it's time for the Bieb to take the next step: College! Since Justin keeps pretty busy these days generating the majority of all revenues in the record business, a traditional campus experience just isn't going to work for him. Luckily, the University of Phoenix offers degree plans that can be pursued from anywhere on the planet with Internet access.
Since he's got enough money to retire at 30 as long as he doesn't go full Bonaduce, Justin will be able to choose any course of study that he likes. Maybe he'll pick music theory, or, if he's smart, business. Just do yourself a favor and don't pick journalism, Biebs.
5. Bottle Opener Keychain
If Bieber's going to be a college boy, that means he'll be attending college parties. Since he's still a bit of a girlish waif of a young man, he may need a few accessories to make him seem cool. A bottle opener keychain comes in handy not only as a conversation starter ("May I open that Smirnoff Ice for you, miss?"), but as a keychain, as well. And nothing screams "I drink lots, yo!" like this clever little tool.
4. A Journal
There are some thoughts that are so complex and personal that they can't be adequately expressed in a feature-length 3D concert film. That's why we feel a nice, leather-bound journal would make a thoughtful gift for Justin Bieber.
He could write down his dreams, frustrations, inspirations and fantasies inside its pages, free from the prying eyes of his adoring fans, relentless paparazzi and overbearing stage mom. Doesn't that sound like the perfect stress reliever after a long, hard day of smiling?
3. A Day Off
How long, exactly, has Bieber been cramming a full workload and his schooling into his busy schedule? It's gotta be years, man! How about we give the guy one single day when he doesn't have to do any radio interviews, meet-and-greets, photoshoots or Proactiv commercials?
He just graduated high school, for God's sake, he deserves at least a single, solitary day to spend getting high and leveling through Arkham City.
2. A Shining, Golden Crown
Justin Bieber is our beloved Prince of Pop. There's no getting around that -- He's just flat-out better than you and me. He has been chosen by God to rule over the record industry with benevolence and grace. There can be no more fitting tribute on this, the hour of his academic ascension, than to craft for him a splendid golden crown of glory. May his reign last for 1,000 years.
Yeah, that hair is looking pretty bitchin' now, Biebs, but everybody's hair looks great in high school. If you don't watch yourself, you could wake up in a couple of years and find Nicholas Cage staring back at you from the mirror. Best not to chance it.
That's why Rogaine makes such a terrific graduation gift. The hair restoration formula will keep his hairline looking human, and as long as he starts early, he'll never have to take the Bret Michaels route and sew a bandana to his scalp.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.