Dear 2014: Can You Tell Kanye to Please Stop Talking?
Note: in his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.
Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)
2013, Do you remember Chance The Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was super entertaining. I like him a lot. Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful.
He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.
OOOOh, and do you remember Run the Jewels? That was also such a great tape. It was definitely the best tape of the year among all tapes that mentions dolphin rape, which is not a thing that I even knew happened. I remember I tried to search "dolphin rape" in Google but left off the E and ended up nervously watching a video on YouTube called "Dolphin -- RAP" that I thought was actually "Dolphin -- RAPE."
"Dolphin - RAP" is a video that's just rapping in a language that I'm not familiar with (though I'm nearly certain that the person rapping is white, if that helps). There were exactly zero dolphins raped in that video. When I watched it, I was like, "Man, what the fuck? What's up with the lack of dolphin rape in this dolphin rape video?" I WAS ACTUALLY DISAPPOINTED THAT I DIDN'T GET TO SEE IT. In hindsight, I suppose I'm surprised by my ambivalence towards marine animal sex crimes.
OOOOh, also, do you remember Tyler's Wolf? That album was extra player, too. I was really surprised at how few people and places listed it among their Best Rap Album lists. I'm a big fan of Tyler. I don't care much for the criticisms aimed at his personality (or persona -- whatever). I don't know who it was who said that art needn't be moral, but that's a dude I agree with.
I suppose that's why I DL'ed R. Kelly's album the instant it came out, though if you don't mind, I'd like to gloss right over the defiling of my spirit no doubt triggered by my enjoyment of the music of a man who has so very clearly destroyed the lives of numerous young women. Sorry for that, 2013. Sorry to you too, God and to my mom and to all women and all men, probably. :/
Oh, also, bro, 2013, if it's not too much of a hassle, could you do a few things for me when you become 2014? Could you please:
More Shea on the next page.
** Find the guy from this Vine and give him all of everything? I probably watched it close to 100 times, and it's only ever gotten funnier and better. Everything about it is wonderful.
** Leave J. Cole in 2013? That'd be just swell. I still remember listening to Born Sinner. What a total chore that was. I remember it because I died from it giving me mega-narcolepsy. Please donate to those with mega-narcolepsy and please stop J. Cole from afflicting hundreds of thousands more with it in 2014. He is our nation's greatest threat.
** Tell Kanye to stop talking for, like, 30 minutes? Thanks.
** Help Future survive Rich Homie Quan and help Drake survive Kendrick Lamar for at least one more year? It feels a lot like we're standing at the precipice of a revolt of sorts in that Rich Homie Quan's aggressively unpolished charm has dulled some of Future's auto-luster and that Drake has somehow begun stepping towards Not That Exciting and Kendrick Lamar is standing behind him prodding him with a metal poker. (This, I'm hoping, is little more than paranoia on my part. Drake has my heart.)
** Give Miley Cyrus a stomach flu up until maybe somewhere around July or something?
And I guess that's it. I don't know. I'm probably (definitely) missing a bunch of stuff, but let's start with these. Thanks so much. You're great. You were great. You're gonna be great.
Oh, P.S., also please don't let white people do blackface in 2014. That one too.
Oh, P.P.S., also please make sure that the OutKast reunion happens in 2014 too. I'll swap that one out for White People Doing Blackface, if it's an either/or situation. Thanks. Be easy.
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