Dear Grammys, I'm Breaking Up With You

Justin Timberlake did look sharp, we'll give him that.
Justin Timberlake did look sharp, we'll give him that.

Dear Stupid Grammys,

I have a bone to pick with you.

I sat through Taylor Swift's uninspired opening act while she half-sung/half-yodeled at a guy on a spinning bullseye. It was complete with an insulting and transparent Alice in Wonderland costume ripoff (which I'm not getting, by the way... is she supposed to be more hardcore now?), and she still can't sing live worth a shit.

I suffered along with the rest of the audience through fun.'s "cat howling in the rain" performance (does anyone else think he sounds a little like the singer from Yes?), and I didn't even change the channel during the Dierks Bentley/Miranda Lambert mash-up under a giant naked winter tree, despite my loathing of their music.

I saw Wiz Khalifa sans shirt (someone owes me new corneas), and I listened to Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys warble off-key. They sounded like bleating sheep at times, but I stayed glued to the TV, determined to give you the benefit of the doubt.

There was that ill-timed Bob Marley tribute, led by Bruno Mars, Sting and Rihanna's underboob tattoo, but it had the Marley brothers, so there was a bit of redemption there. That was all undone, though, when you forced me to listen to more than ten seconds of Hunter Hayes. I don't know who he is, but his piano graffiti was definitely not legit.

Frank Ocean disappointed me, but I'm going to give him a pass. The poor guy has had so much hype to live up to, but that weird "Forrest Gump" performance was so... off. Something felt way too forced with that. However, dear Grammys, you are not Frank Ocean and you do not get a pass.

You gave me a couple of good performances, mind you. Jay-Z jumping out of his chair directly to the stage was pretty awesome, and surprisingly low-key for an entrance with a hip-hop artist of his ego size, while Justin Timberlake's vocals and performance were flawless, whether or not you're a fan of his music.

The Black Keys killed it with Dr. John and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band. The gospel-inspired choruses fit right in, and Dr. John finally gave us something more interesting to watch than the bland, saltless performances that were its predecessors.

Oh, and the Levon Helm tribute was pretty rockin', but how could it not be, given the magnitude of artists that you chose? I mean, Elton John was ripping the keys off the damn piano, and the Zac Brown Band along with the dudes from Mumford and Sons seemed freakin' overjoyed to be onstage with Mavis Staples and Brittany Howard from the Alabama Shakes.

In those moments, Grammys, you came close to pulling off an okay show. But then, right when I felt like I might not have much to complain about, you ruined things for me.


Although LL Cool J had bored me to tears for the night with his hosting, when he jumped onstage to perform with Tom Morello, Travis Barker, and Chuck D, shit got real. When they took the stage, there was finally a tribute to MCA (thank you LL).

Chuck D was reminding us of his old-school finesse, while Travis was beating the drums like an animal and Tom was shredding the shit out of his guitar. We finally had ourselves an interesting Grammy performance, and what do you do?

You blow it.

All of a sudden you ran a friggin' commercial over the ONLY performance worth rewinding, and you cut short a tribute to one of the freaking Beastie Boys.

Grammys, that was some junk. You and me, we're fucking done professionally.

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