Dear Houston, Kindly Shut the Hell Up at Eddie Vedder
Pearl Jam lead singer and everything advocate Eddie Vedder pulls into Houston today for a two-night stand at Jones Hall, making up two shows he had to cancel back in the spring due to injury. Singer-songwriter Glen Hansard will also be on hand to open both shows, and he even helps out Vedder on a few songs.
So a subdued night of Vedder solo cuts, some stripped down PJ classics, and a few covers is waiting for you all holding tickets. Sounds legit, as a friend of mine would say. I'm excited too.
But you know, Houston, this show is at Jones Hall, not the House Of Blues, where a lot of you have social hour during the show you paid eighty bucks to see.
There's a bit more decorum involved here. The venue has certain unspoken rules. Rules that you -- NOT ALL -- routinely flout.
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You know, like shutting the hell up.
For one, don't shout out at Mr. Vedder to play "Even Flow" or "Jeremy" because do you know how awful those would sound on a ukelele? (The uke being one of his current instruments of choice.)
The loudest he may get is on his Into the Wild stuff, namely "Far Behind." Raise a glass for one of the most morose discs of 2007, will ya?
Can you throw in "Immortality" from Vitalogy in there somewhere, Ed?
Keep the cellphone pics almost non-existent. Have you ever taken pics inside Jones Hall during a show, any show? Beautiful sound and lighting, but not conducive to your iPhone pics and Instagrammin'.
Believe me, when I saw Michael Bolton there a few years ago, my shots were for shit. For shit.
If you must drink in excess before the show, keep the pee-pee breaks to a minimum. It's hard as hell to get in and out of the seats at Jones Hall. Once you are seated, you might as stay seated. Everyone will know you have a child's bladder. If you are pregnant, I apologize.
Above all, just shut the hell up. I know we are all "stoked" as hell to see the dude from Pearl Jam, but remember this is meant to be a quiet concert. Don't be a hiccup on a tour. Don't be the stereotypical radio-rock crowd that will shut up during a Blue October acoustic show but fuckin' HAS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR NEW TRUCK AND THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ON THE STREET OUTSIDE YUCK RIGHT AND THE PARKING SITUATION AND WHETHER OR NOT LITTLE WOODROW'S WILL BE OPEN WHEN THIS SHIT IS OVER at the Eddie Vedder show.
PJ doesn't come here ever -- since 2000-something? -- so don't be the crowd that makes Vedder say to himself "Man, at least those goons in Dallas kept their douche mouths shut. I should have Pearl Jam play two shows there with Soundgarden next year on the next touring cycle."
Enjoy the show. Save the gushing and fawning for the lobby. Or when you find out where Vedder is staying here in Houston, as you bang on his hotel room door.
Just shut yer mouths. Simple as that. Glue your mouth shut if you have too. Have a friend tape it closed.
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