Dear Obama: You'd Make A Great Goth Musician
Dear President Barack H. Obama,
I want you to know that I am very impressed by your recent musical endeavors. While it's clear that you could use some practice and professional vocal coaching, it's equally clear that you possess more than enough raw talent to excel as a musician.
I know right now, with the country still in need and an election looming, your plate is too full to pursue a career in music in any significant way, but in between matters of state, we hope you'll find a spare minute or two to lay down some tracks.
Clearly, America has responded well to your song choices. Who doesn't love the Rev. Al Green, after all? However, I would like to put forth the idea that going the R&B route is a somewhat obvious move. You should shake things up. Perhaps you recall this statement you made at a LGBT fundraiser and reported in a totally legitimate and not at all satirical news outlet?
Supporting gay marriage might have been something I experimented with in college, but it was just a phase. We all go through phases like that, like my goth phase before that.
I implore you, on your debut album, to return to that goth phase. Just as African-Americans have been poorly represented in the office of President, so are they under-represented in goth music. Here is a chance for you to blaze a new trail, go where no one would expect, and show the deeper, more poetic side of your talent.
It may have been a while since your goth phase, so I took the liberty of suggesting some tracks for you to cover.
My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult, "Blue Buddha": You've gotten used to funk and R&B lately, I know. So I'm easing you into the spooky side. There aren't a whole lot of goth songs funkier than "Blue Buddha." Plus, it offers some great cameo opportunities, maybe Lionel Richie and Trina? They made Rob Zombie's cover of 'Brick House" solid dynamite.
Christian Death, "Spectre (Love is Dead)": We're trying to keep things sexy here, and as the meme says, "He played Christian Death, and the next thing I know my clothes were off." Again, there's plenty of room to groove, and will give you a chance to show off some high notes.
The Cure, "Hot Hot Hot": The Cure has an excellence funk catalog mixed in with their more traditional goth fare, and picking just one song for you to cover was difficult. "Hot Hot Hot" would be at home in any dance club, as you can see from this live video, and much as we love Robert Smith's voice, it could certainly use a smoother approach.
Love and Rockets, "So Alive": A true goth classic, and radio friendly to boot! Plus, Daniel Ash could use that famous Obama-sales bump to fund a few more excellent EPs.
Ex-Voto, "Your Fate": OK, I fully admit that I'm including an Ex-Voto track just to annoy Houston's own Larry Rainwater, who is fairly conservative. That aside, "Your Fate" remains an amazing bit of pop goth that still grabs me every time I hear it. There's something so sad in Rainwater's vocals, a fear of failure in the face of faith that should appeal to any president.
Type O Negative, "Christian Woman": Religion is playing an increasing role in politics, and God certainly knows that all kinds of fascinating things have been said about you, sir, in regards to faith. Even Christian goths rarely miss an opportunity to do a little blasphemy fore mischief's sake. The eroticization of God has never been larger, and I think the time has come for a president to embrace the work of Peter Steele. Video disabled, but you can see it here
In conclusion, Mr. President, it would be a shame to let a voice like yours go to waste, and your affinity for soul is nothing to be ashamed about. I just wanted to offer you a different path. Do come to the dark side. We have vodka.
Jef With One F Chairman, Gothic Council
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