Rocks Off likes to troll the musicians section of Craigslist in an effort to catch interesting acts at their very inception. Usually we get the same old thing day in and day out:
Need FOC (Friend of Christ) bass player for worship band. Must have ride.
18 SERIOUS singer looking for band. Main influence is Evanescence.
Effeminate synthpop bands needs aggressive death metal singer.
That particular entry caught our eyes. According to the poster, one Samuel Page, he is seeking to toughen up the image of his latest project, tentatively called 'N Sane, by adding a screaming Neanderthal to his collection of admittedly more sensitive artists:
"The ideal candidate should be extremely aggressive and prone to spontaneous and violent dives onto our unsuspecting audience. However, the candidate will refrain from touching or even getting close to the band members."
Page declined to be interviewed by Rocks Off about what the hell he's trying to accomplish with this band, and frankly it's pissing us off. We have questions/queries/poseurs that are plaguing our poor sober minds.
Is effeminacy holding them back? It's not hurting Justin Bieber's career any. Wouldn't death metal plus synthpop equal industrial, or are they trying for something like Erasure fronted by Danzig? That could be awesome. And what's with the no touching rule? Rather than answer these questions, Page issued a brief statement.
We are at war, and as we all know, in a time of war, there is no room for weakness. Now, we (the band) see weakness every day in our effete and feckless fans. And we feel that it is our duty to do something about it - which is why we are seeking to add an extremely aggressive death metal screamer to our synthpop band.
In our immodest opinion, that will put the fear of God in our fans and get them to stand at attention. We genuinely want to scare them. It is for their own good.
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Rocks Off has always said, "The key to avant-garde is knowing whom is fucking with whom." In this case, we're not sure what the hell is going on.
However, if any Cookie Monsters out there want to be a part of a group where you are guaranteed to be the manliest thing in proximity at any given moment, feel free to contact Page at sam at sampagemusic dot com.