As a middle-school teacher, you can be certain of a few things:
- At any given time, no less than three boys in your classroom are plotting to draw penises on something. It's nuts. They're penis-crazy. We've found penis drawings on everything; books, rocks, test tubes, stopwatches, milk cartons, the back of an unpopular kid's jacket, the front of a popular kid's jacket, etc. It's perpetually Threat Level Red with that shit.
- Teenage girls will unabashedly exploit their menstrual cycles to get you to do whatever they please. "Why are you 25 minutes late to school, Sara? And where are your shoes off? And is that beer on your breath?!" Well, I'm on my period, sir. "Oh....ummm... have a seat, ma'am."
- If you ask a kid about music, they will absolutely talk to you about music.
So, as we typically do, we spent a couple of moments before each class day this past week checking in with the kids to make sure there wasn't anything cool going on in pop culture we may have missed. The responses to the "What's Your Current Favorite Song?" interrogation:
BASSY, THINKS HICCUPS ARE SUPER FUNNY
Eminem feat Rihanna, "Love The Way You Lie"
When Asked To Explain Why It's A Good Song: "Because it's Eminem. He's my favorite rapper. I saw 8 Mile. I like when he raps at the end. The rest of the movie is boring."
JR, CAN NAME ALL THE PHASES OF THE MOON WITHOUT HESITATION
Bob Marley, "Buffalo Soldier"
When Asked To Explain Why It's A Good Song: "I don't know, sir. I just do. I like Metallica too. Have you ever heard of them?"*
CARMEN, VETERAN OF THE IN-SCHOOL SUSPENSION PROGRAM
Juan Gotti, "Mexican Inside of Me"
When Asked To Explain Why It's A Good Song: "I like it because he raps in Spanish and English. I don't know. He's Mexican and he talks about being a gangster. I listen to it. That's why I like it."
If you rap in Spanish and English about being a gangster, you will have a sizeable fan base in Southeast Houston. That is a fact. Even the currently incarcerated Lil Bing has fans out here, and Lil Bing is as good a rapper as he was at committing crimes and not getting caught.
VERO, DOESN'T WANT TO KILL HERSELF
When Asked To Explain Why It's A Good Song: "Um, I like the rhythm. It's about a girl that wants to commit suicide, I think. I don't know. I don't want to, I just like it. Pink is cool."
*Pink is not cool.
Lil Wayne, "Green and Yellow"
When Asked To Explain Why It's A Good Song: "It's the Packers. They won the Super Bowl. I like Lil Wayne."
Overhearing the discussion, a girl named Ortega interrupted to say that Wiz Khalifa's original version is far superior, which we absolutely agree with. When asked why, Ortega said, "Because he's a better rapper than Lil Wayne." That's when Danielle threatened to fight her if she didn't take it back.
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While arranging this post, our sons wandered past. We asked Boy A what his favorite song was. His response: "Radio the World," a song on a CD they handed to him after church two months ago. We have yet to determine anything substantial about the song.
We do not know who wrote it or who produced or who even sings it, we only know that a) they desperately want to "radio the world our message of hope"; and b) if he asks for it and you play anything else, you can expect a full on shitstorm. We asked Boy B what his favorite song was too. His response: "I have to go poop." He had to go poop.