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Fact: Pop Songs Always Give Brilliant Parenting Advice

Fact: Pop Songs Always Give Brilliant Parenting Advice
Ed Schipul/Creative Commons

I'm not sure who thought to film the fabulous display of parenting that is documented in the video below, but after watching this hot mess for exactly two minutes and 39 seconds, I've decided there's nothing quite as disturbing as a six-year-old rapping about how he can make my "booty pop."

I refuse to list everything wrong with this equation, because I don't want to end up on a list somewhere.

It's a rare day when I can simply let the "booty pop" challenge fizzle and die, but on this one, I just can't. I mean, I like to pop my booty as much as the next white girl, but there's something utterly illegal about accepting this challenge from a kindergarten child.

What the hell were his parents thinking, setting this up? Yes, I know it's in every stinkin' rap video known to man, but those are grown-ass men and they might actually understand what they're rapping about. Six-year-old boys are not supposed to follow in the footsteps of dudes like 2 Chainz.

This tiny Don Juan's video makes me wonder what would happen if we stopped parenting and just simply let our kids follow the advice they're given in pop music. I mean, hell... would they all be starring in their own booty-pop videos, or would we be insulated from that disaster thanks to some good ol' fashioned desensitization?

I'll let you be the judge. Here are some of the more obvious reasons to clear out the old iPod and replace them with gospel songs.

Afroman, "Because I Got High" The video features Jay and Silent Bob within the first 15 seconds, so chances are pretty good that the song should be shut the fuck down if your kid is listening to it. However, if Kevin Smith's warped mind isn't enough of a blinding red stoplight, please consider the following lyrics:

I was gonna go to class before I got high

I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high

Now I'm taking it next semester and I know why

'Cause I got high

Do you really want your kids using Afroman's advice on life as an excuse for mediocrity? Teach them to be productive stoners by forcing them to hide their habits like the rest of the population. It'll benefit them in the long run, trust me.

Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grow Up"

When I grow up, I wanna be famous

I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies

When I grow up, I wanna see the world

Drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies

Wait, boobies?! I've been under the impression that the damn song says "groupies." This song is a terrible idea for anyone, ever, but especially for girls young enough to find the Pussycat Dolls tolerable.

Aqua, "Barbie Girl"

Life is plastic

It's fantastic

You can brush my hair

Undress me everywhere

Oh, and:

Dress me up

Make it tight

I'm your dolly

Oh, for the love. The effing song is about a Barbie doll; children are bound to be attracted to it. If I can't find a way to make a joke out of the lyrics (which I can't on this one without feeling really awkward), then chances are good that the song is practically begging for a pedo-bear warning. Aqua: raising only the highest class of trophy wives since 1997.

 

Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" This song is responsible for tons of false hope, and that makes it irresponsible. Your teenage boys should be clear that no matter how many times they mow the neighbor's lawn, she's probably not coming out in a towel anytime soon. We don't want any misunderstandings.

Ke$ha, "Tik Tok" (Even typing that name is annoying.) Nothing good can come of letting your kids have Ke$ha as a role model, but if they start brushing their teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you know it may be time to replace it with something less binge-drinky and junk-touchy. Also, my daughter better not ever say the words "Boys try to touch my junk" or there'll be a whole lotta fist-shaking taking place in my house.

Flo Rida, "Whistle" Whistles are usually child's play, but Mr. Rida takes it to a whole new level with his metaphorical lyrics about blowing whistles. Parents, please. It's beyond creepy to see your kid singing this in the grocery store, even if YOU think it's cute. And it's terrible advice for your six-year-old.

Nicki Minaj, "Starships" My children are not going to find out what the meaning of "I'm higher than a mutha fucka" is until they attend their first Pink Floyd laser light show, thank you very much. Also, I'm not dealing with their asses on my couch when they get evicted for not paying rent, so this song is staying way off the radar.

Screw learning life lessons from pop songs; I think I'll stick with the more time-tested method of letting TV raise my kid instead. The internets are safer that way.



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