FAIL: ABBA, Animal Collective, Diddy, Pete Doherty
Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
Hooray! Now Your Feet Are Boring, Too!: A clothing designer called Keep took a whole bunch of ecstasy (probably) and then invited Animal Collective's Avery Tare to design some shoes for them. By "design," we of course mean "scribble on some plain beige loafers which can then be sold for 75 fucking dollars."
He didn't even cover the whole shoe, instead choosing to draw a "custom printed ghost pattern" that looks like a blue Shyguy from Super Mario Brothers 2. Advance sales will also come with a cassette tape (of course) of unreleased music for you to drowse off to, and you'd think that would be enough twee douchery for your buck, but oh, there's more.
It wouldn't be a smug hipster venture if the proceeds weren't going to some useless-ass charity, and wouldn't you know it, those proceeds are going to the Socorro Island Preservation Fund, which is a fund started by precious, wealthy Californians who want to make sure their offshore reefs stay pretty while they're out scuba diving and not giving money to starving/sick people.
Fair warning: Wearing these shoes around Rocks Off staff will result in having them stripped from your feet and smeared with our fecal matter. No, never mind. That would make them look way more interesting, and we won't have Tare or Keep taking credit for our fashionable Poop Shoes.
No One Cares About Sean "Puff Puffy P. Diddy Daddy" Combs Anymore, and It Scares Him: Unless you can think of a better reason for him to be wearing a kilt while performing his irrelevant music. You can almost taste his fear. "Hey! I still matter! Y'all saw Get Him to the Greek, right? I was good in that, right? Remember that Zeppelin song I did for that shitty Godzilla movie? That was cool, right? Please, please say I'm still cool. I'll do anything."
We know, Sean. Shhh. It's gonna be okay. (Not really, you're done.)
This Just In: Pete Doherty Is Still an Asshole: Just in case we were all starting to forget, Doherty got himself arrested carrying drugs again, this time in connection with the death of a wealthy heiress. We just don't get this guy's appeal. He's a child, and his music is decent at best. He should at least wise up and move to L.A., where the sheriff will reduce his jail sentence by a factor of ten if he agrees to autograph something for the guy.
ABBA to Show a Whole New Generation of Pop Stars How Sucking Is Done: We here at Fails give ABBA all the credit in the world for pioneering some of the worst pop music of all time. Their shallow, vapid harmonies over nearly nonexistent instrumentation and simple dance beats inspired countless empty pop dynamos from the New Kids on the Block to Britney Spears to that Bieber kid, even if they don't know or wouldn't admit it. In case there's any doubt about their influence over terrible music, they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame... by the Bee Gees.
The foursome was originally made up of two couples, but when those couples split up, so did the band. The two guys (we won't be using their unspellable Swedish names) have been talking about getting back together for a reunion tour and maybe even recording some new music. Could another Broadway smash musical intended for 50-year-old women and non-heteros of all ages be in the cards?
Sweet Jesus, we hope not.
Reportedly, the two women of ABBA have been reluctant to finalize the reunion, and we firmly support their hesitation. Between earthquakes, hurricanes and economic collapse, 2010 has already been a rough enough year. If ABBA gets back together, we're going to start watching the sky for the Four Horsemen.
Win of the Week: That rock opera Frank Black of the Pixies wrote will be premiering in November. In Houston.
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