If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.
Psycho Train Wreck > Passive-Aggressive New Age Wuss Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins and Courtney Love of Hole got into a Twitter spat this week, and if that's not asinine enough for you, Billy wouldn't even mention Courtney by name, taking the Twattle (twitter + battle) down to new depths with posts like "if you can't write your own songs maybe you should just be happy that you fooled someone into doing your work for you..." and "Lies, lies, and more lies. Just keep 'em coming Mommy Dearest. When I'm ready, I'll tell the truth about what I've seen you do. nah, on second thought I'll sit quiet + just let you live with your guilty conscience. Better to detach from your filth and just sue." So we're threatening to tell "the truth," then recanting and threatening to tattle to the authorities, are we, Billy? Now that's black-belt-level eighth-grade girl-fighting, sir. Not to be outdone, Courtney called Billy's defense and praise of her daughter "creepy" and asked him if he was a pedophile, although she's deleted most of the meaner tweets, instead choosing to retweet others' indictments of the Pumpkins' front man. So who do we side with? Well, Billy started it, was the most passive-aggressive of the two, and regularly tweets shit like "happiness IS: to thine own Self be true + a chocolate vegan milkshake!" and "I am happy, clear, and motivated. Praise God for the light he has shown me. 10 years without drugs or alcohol or over the counter medicine!" So obviously we have to side with Courtney. She may be psychotic, but at least she hasn't turned into a New Age hippie pussy. Plus she's looking pretty hot these days.
BieberBot Is Breaking! (His Voice Is, Anyway) Just last week, FotW speculated that OmniDisneyCorp would not let Justin Bieber age, lest his pristine prepubescent voice suffer. Well, it seems we were mistaken since, at the ripe old age of 16, the little guy's voice is finally starting to change. "Some of the notes I hit on (biggest hit) 'Baby' I can't hit anymore. We have to lower the key when I sing live," says the "child" star. Reading between the lines, we can conclude that Bieber's overlords recalled the synthetic PopBot v.5.5 in for maintenance and artificially lowered its voice in order to maintain its human façade. Oh, but we see through the false front, don't we, kids? Yes we do. We know a cold, cybernetic heart bleeps beneath the fake, rubbery skin, and we'll be ready when BieberBot gains self-awareness and starts enslaving humanity and pestering Sarah Connor.
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Sure Wish They'd Stop Polling People in the UK For a commonwealth that prides itself so much on its hip, cutting-edge music scene, they sure do know how to lame up a poll over in the United Kingdom. Listeners of a UK radio station called "Magic" (one of three UK radio stations which the Queen allows to exist) recently elected Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" as the best film soundtrack song of all time, which most of us remember as that odd shrieking warble that played over the end credits of Titanic. The top ten list included "(I've Had the) Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing, Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" from the 1998 Ben Affleck/Animal Cracker vehicle Armageddon, and - Jesus God Almighty - "Summer Nights" from Grease. Wow. That's embarrassing. We're starting to wonder if we're ever going to trust our friends across the pond again, music-wise.
Lala Go Bye-Bye Then again, we're not doing so hot ourselves, stateside. Lala.com has been a godsend for those of us without the money to pick up every single new album that comes down the pike, so we got a little squirmy when noted competition-destroyers Apple purchased the Web site. Sure enough, they're shutting Lala.com down, effective May 31. What do you do if you had paid good money for online-only albums available exclusively through Lala.com? Apparently you'll be given the equivalent amount of credits in the iTunes store. But what if you're not happy with the fact that your money won't go as far in the iTunes store as it did on Lala.com? "Well, gosh, then I'd suppose you'll just have to go fuck yourself," Steve Jobs didn't say, but may as well have. Remember when everybody was accusing Bill Gates of being the megalomaniacal dictator of all things digital? Turns out he was like that dude at the beginning of Lord of the Rings who chops the One Ring off Sauron's hand. He was only trying to save us, you guys, he simply wasn't strong enough. Which raises the question: who will our diminutive, hairy-footed saviors be? Win of the Week: M.I.A.'s awesome song was pulled from YouTube last week, so this week she not only posted the even awesomer video on her Web site, she also took over Pitchfork's Twitter account for a day. It was pretty awesome. God, we love this chick.