English People Apparently Now Ridiculously Easy to Shock: Hard to believe that the once cutting-edge people of England, historically far less prudish than Puritan-descended America, were shocked and appalled by some of the same shit that Britney Spears did years ago, yet here we are. While performing on the show Britain's Got Talent this week, Miley Cyrus sent many a matronly schoolmarm into disapproving-cluck overdrive when she performed in a semi-slutty outfit and pretended to kiss a female backup dancer. And here we thought the lusty fascination with cockteasing jailbait like Cyrus was a uniquely American tradition. For years stateside, we've as much as begged for our younger female stars to act older than their age, titillated even as we pretend our delicate sensibilities are offended. Basically our whole sexual identity as a country is that of Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale from The Scarlet Letter (no, not the movie). Yet this week we've seen headline after headline regarding Cyrus' "scandalous" display in what claims to be a family-oriented show. How is it the nation that brought us The Sex Pistols and The Clash are suddenly reduced to hysterics by an - at worst - PG-rated display of faux naughtiness that didn't even include actual lip contact? Easy: they're not. This whole thing reeks of manufactured controversy. The producers of Britain's Got Talent knew exactly what they were doing; all week, Cyrus has been tarting all over Europe in less and less clothing, and her new single is called "Can't Be Tamed," for God's sakes. Britain's Got Talent were well aware that she's attempting to skew her identity towards an older audience, and they put her on the show anyway to generate free hype for their shitty talent show, with the press playing dutifully along. Okay, so Fails is now part of the problem. That doesn't mean we have to like it. If you're the praying kind, pray for Miley. These next few years are gonna be really rough on this poor kid.
Stabbings Everywhere Up In This Bitch: A pair of Juggalos got stabbed outside a Wendy's this week, as hard as that may be to believe. The Wendy's in question was located near Denver's Fillmore Auditorium, where the two victims had planned on catching Insane Clown Posse's set before the altercation. 20-year-old Jeremy McKim has been identified as the main suspect and is currently in police custody, and both Juggalos survived the stabbing. Lord only knows how the whole thing started; Fails can't help but imagine a heated argument regarding Faygo's superiority over Fanta, or perhaps a shoving match over how magnets work. Whatever caused the incident, we're glad the two victims are recovering. We weren't able to reach Violent J or Shaggy 2 Dope for comment, but if we had, we imagine it would have gone something like this:
Fails: Any comment on the recent stabbing near one of your shows? Violent J: Yo, man, we happy them Juggalos is okay, yo. Shaggy 2 Dope: Yo, we be mad happy about that shit all up in this piece. Mad love to my Jugz, y'all. VJ: Word. Just goes to show, there's miracles all around. S2D: True dat. We see more and more proof every day. F: Actually, the victims' survival wasn't a miracle, they just weren't stabbed in any major internal organs and received prompt medical atten- VJ: Nah, dog, I know a miracle when I sees one, yo. S2D: F' sho. Doctors be healin' them Juggies with mad magic an' shit. Ain't no other explanation, G. F: Okay, I see where this is going. Go ahead, say it. Violent J: Fuckin' stitches: How do they work?
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Then Again, Maybe ICP Have a Point: In a stroke of luck some would call miraculous, 21-year-old indie-rock drummer Nicholas Blossom fell off the roof at a party and impaled his head - yes, his fucking head - on a second-floor balcony fence and survived. According to witnesses, the little genius was sitting on the roof, drunk and angry, screaming how much he hated everyone at the party and (we're going to assume) tearfully shrieking Fall Out Boy lyrics. Since Blossom survived and seems headed towards full recovery, we can say that this incident is perhaps the most satisfying thing to happen to any attention whore throwing a tantrum at a party, ever. Maybe it could have been slightly better if he'd crapped his pants while hanging there by his head, but not by much. We were at a party once where this drama queen was bitching out her boyfriend for no reason when a junebug flew down her throat, and this beats that by a long shot. The police were already on their way before the kid even fell, because neighbors had already called them to come do something about the asshole screaming on the roof. An electric saw was used to cut Blossom free from his predicament, and he and the chunk of fence still stuck in his scalp were rushed to the hospital, where surgery was performed to save the little creep. Although he survived the incident, sadly his Justin Bieber haircut was altered, and he must now sport the lowly Nick Jonas cut until it grows back. Fails would like to offer some advice to Nicholas: If you need attention that badly, drumming is not the way to go, dude. Learn some power chords and exaggerate your suffering vocally like you're supposed to.
Win of the Week: Obviously, this week's win is going to be Free Press Summerfest.