If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.
Don't Buy Any Used Instruments on Nashville's Craigslist For a While: Here at Fails of the Week, it's kind of nice when we get a Fail that we can't blame on a human being. Nope, this one is God's fault. As you probably already know, Tennessee is experiencing record rainfall this week, which in turn is causing record flooding, which in turn is ruining every musical instrument that was stored on the ground floor. Raul Malo laments the destruction here, and aw, damn. We hope that 1952 Gibson Les Paul is okay. Look at that. That is a beautiful guitar. We're sorry, this whole tragedy didn't really have a face until now. We'll take a second to pull ourselves together. Okay. Evidently the mainstream media did such a poor job covering the flood, Ben Folds felt moved to grab his phone and go take some rather distressing photography, especially to anyone who's lived through one of Houston's many floods. We notice Pat Robertson and his other God-fearing brethren haven't yet blamed this disaster on lesbians and atheists like they did Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. So what's the deal then, guys? God just wake up grumpy or something? Or does the fact that Toby Keith continues to release albums instill in Him a righteous rage so that no building that ever contained the charmless truck-shilling dick would remain unsmited? Clearly it's that last one. Doesn't feel so good when people interpret unfortunate disasters as evidence that God supports their own personal agendas, does it? Seriously, our hearts go out to those affected in Nashville, and we hope the recovery goes quickly and efficiently.
Liam Gallagher: The Yoko Ono of Biopics: Liam Gallagher of Oasis has said he wants to produce a biopic on the Beatles, and so far it's all talk, but we're already getting sad. It's going to be about their last couple of years as a band, depicting the internal strife that eventually tore them apart, with the part of Yoko Ono to be played by an actor who looks suspiciously like Noel Gallagher. Why can't Liam just leave the Beatles alone? It's bad enough he has to constantly mention them in interviews, desperate to be associated with them in any way, but now he's going to be partially responsible for a depiction of their actual lives. And the worst part is no one can talk him out of it, because Liam hates everybody, especially anybody who isn't a millionaire and doesn't own a slew of French-cuffed turtlenecks from his terrible collection of shitty clothes for pretentious douchebags of the late '60s. Somebody please stop this.
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Meat Loaf Is Coming Out of Retirement: In maybe the least-clamored-for retirement reversal of all time, Meat Loaf has decided maybe he's not as jaded with the music business as he thought he was and is willing to grace us with more histrionic eight-minute prog-rock show tunes. After his Broadway show was reviled by both critics and audiences alike and his most recent album, 2006's Bat Out of Hell 3: Hell Hard With a Vengeance performed poorly, Meat Loaf became depressed, announced his retirement onstage, and started planning to open up a bunch of sandwich shops (no, we're not kidding). The lure of becoming a sandwich artist was not enough to keep Loaf away from music for long, however, as eventually he pulled out of his depression and began recording again. The next album might not actually be so bad, though; Loaf says it came from a place of anger and sounds "rockier" than his last album, so maybe it'll be a bunch of hard-edged songs about what an asshole his former recording partner Jim Steinman is - wait, what? It's called Hang Cool, Teddy Bear? Oh wow. That's gonna be dreadful.
Warrant Lead Singer Picked Up for DUI; Looks So Bad, Make a Grown Man Cry: Former Warrant singer Jani Lane, who now looks like a witch cast a very slow-acting spell on him and he is halfway through turning into a frog, was pulled over this week for his second DUI, by the same policeman who pulled him over last year. Lane allegedly did not deny the accusation of driving under the influence, admitting to "Drinkin' on the front porch, drinkin' on the lawn, drinkin' where we want 'cause there aint nobody home, drinkin' to the left and drinkin' to the right, I think about baseball, I'll drink all night." Don't feel bad, Jani; thinking about the Astros inspires a similar reaction in us, even if they did just sweep the Cardinals. We know we're just having our hopes built up only to have them savagely destroyed later, right, Jani? Uh, ahem. No, get some help, Jani, you could have killed someone. Win(s) of the Week: Depends on how wholesome you want to be. For that genuine warm feeling, will.i.am. paid off some folks' mortgages. For something a little darker, Adam Ant got booed off the stage for playing "Sympathy For the Devil" in a church hall and promptly swore at everybody. Classic.