FAIL: Prince, Johnny Rotten, Too Short, Auto-Tune
Photos by John Seaborn Gray
Internet Not As "Over" As Prince Had Hoped: Remember last week when Prince said the Internet was "over," and that was why he's now giving copies of his new CD away for free whenever you buy a copy of that thriving and relevant medium, a British newspaper?
Well, enterprising Englishmen are now putting those albums up for sale online for as much as 13 pounds - approximately $330 American dollars, if our math is right - in a sterling example of why you should never try to go against the internet. Prince said he was releasing his album this way because doing so would cause him "no stress."
We can't help but wonder if that's still true, or if he's now moping around the house eating rice-based ice cream and weeping softly into his zebra-skin pillow.
Johnny Rotten Turns Down Possible Collaboration with Gorillaz: Some of you folks who grew up as punk rockers - and didn't have the good taste to be in the Clash camp like we were - will no doubt find this difficult to accept, but it's time for you to understand: Johnny Rotten is a fucking idiot.
Every time we read an interview with the man, the drivel spewing from his mouth-hole makes us cringe. He says whatever occurs to him to say at the time, regardless of whether or not it's true or if it blatantly contradicts things he has done or said in the past. His most recent example: when he was asked to explain why he turned down the Gorillaz when asked to collaborate, this is what he said.
"I've worked with many so-called famous people over the years but it's never been for any deliberate financial motivation. If I did it wouldn't be a business phone call followed by a management agreement and then for an album manufactured and marketed as to what the current popular trends were."
So it was for purely artistic reasons that he changed Public Image Ltd. from a weird, experimental post-punk band into a radio-friendly New Wave act? And then worked with Tower of Power and recorded a song for the film Point Break? And then re-formed the Sex Pistols for what was called the Filthy Lucre tour, which existed solely for the purpose of gathering the money the Sex Pistols missed out on the first time they came to America? And then re-recorded "Anarchy In the UK" for use in Guitar Hero?
All those things are better than appearing on a Gorillaz album? Christ, Johnny.
Too Short Gets Angry When Denied Underage Backstage Companionship: Somewhere along the rough-and-tumble streets of Boise, Idaho, there sits a powder keg of danger and calamity called the Knitting Factory. It should be no surprise that violence flared up at the concert venue when Too Short was told he was not allowed to bring underage girls into the backstage area with him by Knitting Factory bouncers.
Too Short - who is a 44-year-old man, keep in mind - flew into a rage and began furiously kicking at the shins of the security workers, attempting to throw punches at his foes which unfortunately could not reach their intended targets due to the bouncers having placed a single palm on the forehead of Too Short, successfully keeping him at bay.
Afraid that the rapper might hurt himself, the security guards called in the police, who arrested Too Short and placed him in custody inside a shoebox, carefully poking air holes in the lid and placing a single gummi bear inside, so that the performer would have something to eat overnight.
Too Short was released on bond the following morning, and was last spotted mumbling angrily to himself in the breast pocket of his manager.
Auto-Tune Fail: A lot of people like to criticize Auto-Tune, saying it makes it too easy for average shmoes to release decent-sounding music, regardless of whether or not they have any talent. Well, here is a YouTube video by clueless boob Ptheg - which is the noise you make when you sneeze with a mouth full of oatmeal - which proves that sentiment to be hilariously short-sighted.
If you suck this badly at singing, writing, and working with computers, it's time to accept the quietly noble life of working in a warehouse somewhere and never, ever performing again. Dude, you didn't even turn off the click track. "She's mad and I know why/ Simply 'cause she's not I" are the chief lyrics here.
No, Ptheg. She's mad because, when she agreed to be in your video, she didn't know your lack of talent would soon be making the both of you look like assholes all over the Internet. Fails almost feels bad including this video before Shea Serrano has had a chance to dissect it.
Win of the Week: A cartoonist named Tom Neely has created a comic collection wherein Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig share an apartment and are in a committed gay relationship with one another. Danzig was reportedly furious when showed the comic, and you can understand why: The last thing a guy wants when he's sporting skin-tight leather pants, spikes, chains, long flowing hair and no shirt is to have to worry about a bunch of queer shit.
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