FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

Weezer to Team Up with Ryan Adams: Set Expectations Bar to "Low": Remember when Bryan Adams teamed up with Rod Stewart and Sting on that song "All For Love" on the Three Musketeers soundtrack? We bring it up not to once again give Ryan Adams shit about his name, but to point out that all three individuals involved in that song had previously released music worth listening to, yet when they got together, the result was pretty much a disappointing mess.

Adams is collaborating with Weezer on one song for their next album, and despite the fact that Rivers Cuomo is enthusiastically gushing about how badass it is, our expectations are pretty low. Both performers have turned in great material in the past, we won't deny that. Weezer's Pinkerton and Adams' Cold Roses are two of our favorite summer albums, in fact. The ratio of good-to-bad, however, is not encouraging.

Rocks Off had trouble paying attention to any of the three zillion so-so albums Adams has released since Roses, and Weezer basically spent the past ten years disowning their excellent first two albums and struggling to come up with something, anything, that doesn't aggressively suck. So does this pairing have the potential to yield a very good song? Yes. But so did the team of Bryan, Sting and Rod. We're not getting our hopes up.

FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

Mariah Carey Stiffs Her Dog Groomer; Line for "Doggystyle" Jokes Is to Your Left: See, because grooming a dog can also be referred to as granting that "doggy" style, which just happens to be homonymous with a pretty standard type of sex act. Get it? Every other writer covering this story is hoping you do. Anyway, Mariah Carey's pet groomer is claiming Carey owes her $30,000 for pet care, which may seem exorbitant, but remember this is famous-people money, so it translates to about $300 in real-person money.

The groomer claims to have spent all day, every day, caring for Carey's three Jack Russell terriers, Cha-Cha, JJ, and Dolomite - sweet Jesus, those names - while she was in L.A. shooting Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire a Lee Daniels Film Starring Gabourey Sidibe Sponsored By Lipton Iced Tea. Really, it's the groomer's own fault. Everyone who deals with Mariah Carey should know that you make her pay up front, because the lady is batshit crazy and unless you supervise her swiping her credit card, she may try to pay you in rubies or exotic birds or shiny things she's found around her house or whatever it is crazy people collect.

Letting her run a tab is like letting your senile grandfather head off to the corner store to buy a set of specific items with no list. You don't know what he's coming back with, or if he's even coming back at all.


FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

Christina Aguilera's New Album Not Doing Well... In the United Kingdom: Christina Aguilera's new album Bionic, which has been accused of biting Lady Gaga's style but looks almost exactly like Janelle Monae's far superior album The ArchAndroid, fell from the No. 1 spot on the UK charts all the way down to No. 29, which is something she should definitely be losing a lot of sleep over.

So what if her album is still at No. 9 on the Billboard U.S. chart, outselling the Glee soundtrack? We're talking about the nation of Boyzone and Take That, for Pete's sake. She's almost certainly paralyzed by the overwhelming force of the fuck that she must give about this. Poor Christina. It'll be okay, sweetheart.

Artists Giving Away Own Music a Slap in the Face to Artists Who Don't:

FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers, or Asscap for short (right?), is trying to shut down Creative Commons and other tools artists use to "copyleft" their work while distributing it for free. A Creative Commons license basically makes it so that people can distribute your work among one another, but no one can make anyone else pay for it and no one can take credit for what you did.

Sounds pretty reasonable, right? No. It's all about Asscap. Obviously, the only reason an artist would ever give their work away for free is to give a big, deliberate middle finger to those artists who choose not to do so, right? That makes sense. The only reason anybody does anything is to act in opposition to other people.

It's one of the basic laws of human behavior, which is also a song Bjork released that had the message "Hey aliens and animals, nobody cares about your behavior, only humans. Bacteria, plants, y'all eat shit and die. Humans only up in this piece." Sometimes the self-centeredness of groups like the RIAA and Asscap is astounding, even to those of us who are well aware what pricks they are.

It's not about you, douchebag. Artists have the right to do what they want with their own product. It has nothing to do with you unless they want it to. To sum up, here's some great free music from Throwing Muses' Kristin Hersh, all released online through the Creative Commons label.

Win of the Week: Queens of the Stone Age's first truly great album, 2000's Rated R, is getting a deluxe reissue. The feel-good reissue of the summer, we dare say.

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