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FAIL: Wyclef Jean, Richard Ashcroft, Mark Wahlberg, iTunes

FAIL: Wyclef Jean, Richard Ashcroft, Mark Wahlberg, iTunes
Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray

Wyclef Jean's Latest Vanity Project: President of Haiti: Wyclef Jean is best known for being the member of the Fugees who quite improbably enjoyed the most solo success. We would have bet on Lauryn Hill, but unfortunately, she went crazy.

Crazy may be contagious among ex-Fugees, because now Jean wants to be the leader of his troubled Caribbean homeland Haiti. Jean is already looking like he'll fit right in with Haiti's previous leadership, since he's currently being investigated for large-scale charity fraud. Even Sean Penn, who ordinarily goes along with his fellow liberals regardless of how crazy they are, seems to think Wyclef is a douchebag.

That's a bad sign. With any luck, another hurricane will smash into Haiti and give Wyclef the leverage he needs to steal enough money to win the vote.

Richard Ashcroft Throws Hissy Fit at Festival: Remember The Verve? They had that song "Bittersweet Symphony" that was absolutely inescapable in the fall of 1997? Come on, it followed Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" all the time. Well, lead singer Richard Ashcroft is now solo, and at something called the "Splendour in the Grass Festival" - sweet Jesus, do organizers intentionally struggle to give their festivals the most irritating names possible? - he threw his maracas and tambourine to the ground and stormed offstage.

Why? Well, the festival had booked him to play at the same time as the Pixies and someone called Empire of the Sun, both of whom are evidently far bigger draws than Ashcroft. So when he saw the size of the audience, he performed one song and then called it quits.

We can't say we entirely blame him. Booking all your headliners to play simultaneously is pretty stupid. Not as stupid as, say, failing to totally secure the rights to a sample before you use it in what will go on to become your biggest hit, but still pretty stupid.

 

Marky Mark Would Only Unretire For Bieby Biebs: For some reason, somebody recently asked Mark Wahlberg if he would ever return to music. Wahlberg is a decent, likeable actor and has been for many years (His new movie with Will Ferrell, The Other Guys, starts today.)

But we mustn't forget that he started out as a rapping underwear model. Here he is shitting in the mouth of a Lou Reed classic.

When asked if he would be willing to violate our eardrums as a rapper again, Wahlberg said that he would only do it if asked by Justin Bieber. He claims that this is because his daughter loves Beiber, but we know it's actually because he hates us. He hates us and wants us to suffer.

Beatles and iTunes Still Acting Like Dicks: It doesn't look like we'll be getting Beatles music on iTunes any time soon.

FAIL: Wyclef Jean, Richard Ashcroft, Mark Wahlberg, iTunes

The Beatles estate, now chiefly run by Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney, has long been involved in a pissing contest with Apple over the fact that their record label is also called Apple. They reached some kind of accord about it a couple of years ago, but for some reason the Beatles' catalogue remains unavailable for download.

The linked article above somewhat hilariously says that instead, the band has preferred to rely on "old-fashioned compact discs." Yeah, good ol' compact discs, man! Soon all those lame vinyl-only stores will be replaced by CD shops, selling music to audio aficionados who swear up and down that they can totally hear the difference. "It's all in the treble, maaaan! Digital is for dummies; plastic is the way to go!"

It sounds like iTunes is doing something or asking for something that the Beatles' representation doesn't approve of. Knowing Steve Jobs' megalomaniacal nature, one can only wonder. Does he want himself Photoshopped onto the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? Will the Beatles' signature green apple logo be replaced by a Macintosh logo? Would their catalogue be released in a format that would only play on Apple products and cause all other products to explode like goddamn Mission: Impossible?

We'll just have to wait and see.

Win of the Week: Jack White yelled at a bunch of too-cool-for-the-room hipsters at a Dead Weather show for standing there looking bored instead of actually enjoying the show. Hell yes.


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