If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.
We're Pretty Sure the Glastonbury Organizers Misunderstood...: Two years ago, Jay-Z was invited to play at England's Glastonbury Festival. Liam Gallagher (without whom it wouldn't be Fails of the Week) immediately realized he hadn't said anything bitchy to the English press in a couple days and promptly derided Jay-Z, saying that hip-hop wasn't welcome at what has traditionally been a rock festival. Jay-Z's response, of course, was his artfully-done mauling of Oasis' "Wonderwall" segueing into "99 Problems" to prove that, yes, hip-hop does have a place at Glastonbury. Well, the problem with breaking any kind of barrier is that it's not always going to be someone as great as Jay-Z who enjoys the benefits. Case in point: this year, Vanilla goddamn Ice will be playing the Glastonbury festival. Yeah, yeah, we all love "Ice Ice Baby," but let us not forget that Vanilla Ice was responsible for crimes against rap so vicious and sadistic we can't believe Amnesty International didn't intervene. The man made MC Hammer look like Chuck D. Jay-Z must feel terrible about this. Imagine if you lobbied heavily for a local fine-dining establishment to allow people without black ties to dine there. Once the restaurant finally relents, the first beneficiary of your hard-fought battle through the door is John Wayne Gacy, who is dressed like a clown and immediately begins chasing children around the room. Suddenly you realize that the restaurant's bouncers lack the ability to distinguish between a normal, tie-less person and a raving, blood-smeared murderer. Yes, Glastonbury, hip-hop does belong at your festival. GOOD hip-hop.
Oh Yes, Clearly the Record Labels Are Just Here to Help the Artists: The flagging, endangered recording industry always defends itself by saying that without their bloated, aggressively litigious record labels, artists wouldn't receive enough exposure. Of course this means they hate the Internet like an old lady hates spiders. They've been volleying attacks towards internet-based concerns with such panicked ferocity, that they often fail to notice their actions are in direct opposition with their stated purpose (which, keep in mind, is exposure for the artist). The most recent offender is Sony, who pulled down several videos on Beyonce's own YouTube channel. Videos of songs which Beyonce wrote and performed. Nice! What a smart move! One of your biggest stars takes it upon herself to provide a place for fans to interact with her and enjoy her work, and Sony's response is a big ol' "SHUT UP, WHORE!" The sooner these irrelevant lawyer turds go extinct, the better.
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This Guy's More Punk Than You: It was reported this week that, at a SXSW gig, Fat Mike of punk band NOFX pulled a little shenanigan on his audience. During a solo gig he performed as alter ego Cokie the Clown, the NOFX front man monologued extensively about bizarre, untoward things and served his audience tequila. He then played a video on the big screen of himself urinating in that very same tequila bottle earlier. It was a take on the old toothbrush urban legend, executed with merry precision. But apparently, Emo's Annex didn't think it was funny, as the club has now banned Fat Mike from returning. We understand the establishment's natural instinct to prevent its clientele from unintentionally consuming the bodily waste of its performers, but we actually think this kind of stinks (and not in a "too much asparagus" way). Spiking tequila with pee and getting unknowing saps to drink it? That is totally punk rock. G.G. Allin used to coat his audiences with a generous layer of blood and poop; we don't think it's too much to ask that modern punk rockers not get too indignant about sipping a little tinkle. Especially if it belongs to Cokie the Clown, since one shot of Cokie pee is like getting a free bump. Now get back in the pit, ammonia-breath.
Bono Invests In Mysterious Ways: Financial magazine and winner of multiple highly coveted "Douchiest Magazine Title" awards 24/7 Wall Street gave out an award of its own to U2 frontman Bono for being the worst investor in America, which these days is really saying something. Apparently, Bono's company Elevation Partners dropped some money into Palm Inc., which makes smartphones such as Treo and Centro. Remember those? Haven't heard those names since the last time you heard the name "Danity Kane," right? That's because no one buys them, which anyone who has ever used an iPhone or BlackBerry (which sponsored U2's 360 tour last year) understands. Bono and co. lost approximately $500 million on that investment. Elevation Partners has also had ill-fated investments in Forbes, Move.com, and review-collecting site Yelp, through which they are currently the defendants in a lawsuit claiming that the Bono-led company offered to strike negative reviews in exchange for those businesses purchasing advertising. Damn! Elevation Partners' strategy seems deliberately godawful, like a Wall Street version of The Producers. We've seen several comments suggesting Bono is no Warren Buffett, but investment-wise, he'd be lucky to be Jimmy Buffett. More people own stuffed parrots than own a Treo. Win of the Week: This week we have a tie. First up is the new Liars video, which is fantastic. Watch it here. The new Sage Francis single is also terrific. It features Califone and references Calexico, and you can download it for free. That pretty much makes it manufactured entirely of win.