Fails Of The Week: The Runaways, Pete Doherty, The Strokes And Liam Gallagher

If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community.

Runaways is Box Office Poison For a film that caught so much hype, the film based on Joan Jett and Cherie Currie's first band, The Runaways, sure flopped pretty badly. Even though it's only in limited release, box office returns have been disappointing on a theater-by-theater basis, which probably won't have any lasting effect on Dakota Fanning or Kristen Stewart's careers, but it certainly bodes ill for rock and roll; you kids would really rather see these two jailbait-y girls moping after bedazzled vampires than getting sweaty onstage, pounding out old Runaways tunes? Rocks Off does not understand this generation. Pete Doherty, Drugs, Arrested, Etc.

Fails Of The Week: The Runaways, Pete Doherty, The Strokes And Liam Gallagher

Pete Doherty occasionally sings for a band called Babyshambles, but what he's really famous for is his ability to stand out as a colossally uncontrollable screwup in a business filled with suicidal crybabies and self-destructive drug addicts. Well, he managed to get arrested again, this time for his suspected involvement in the death of heiress Robin Whitehead. The authorities are saying Doherty sold her the drugs that killed her, which is awful, but by the same token, we don't think we'd accept so much as a Twinkie still in its wrapper from him, much less drugs. Sort of a "let the buyer beware" kind of thing. By the way, Doherty lives in a nine-bedroom red brick house in the gorgeous English countryside, so think about that while you're responsibly paying your bills, filling out your census forms, getting to work five minutes early, or whatever it is you do all day while Pete shoots heroin into his urethra and sleeps with supermodels with the resulting opium boner.   The Strokes Recording Songs Without Julian Casablancas

Fails Of The Week: The Runaways, Pete Doherty, The Strokes And Liam Gallagher

No, the Strokes haven't fired singer Casablancas from the band; instead, they're simply writing and recording the songs for their forthcoming album without him, and are counting on him to come by later and lay down his vocal tracks. Oh, sure, sounds like the chemistry on that album is going to be just as electric as always. Casablancas sounds bored at the best of times, so we'll be lucky if whatever tracks he lays down by himself aren't just him snoring. Didn't this eventually happen to Crosby, Stills and Nash, where each band member got to produce three or four tracks on the album by himself, and they never interacted because toward the end they couldn't stand one another? Yeah, we'd be willing to bet none of their best work comes from those days. Liam Gallagher, Voted Best Front man of All Time, Will Now Sell You Clothes

Fails Of The Week: The Runaways, Pete Doherty, The Strokes And Liam Gallagher

It seems pointless to bag on Q magazine for appointing Liam Gallagher of Oasis as the best front man of all time, better than John Lennon, better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Mick Jagger or Roger Daltrey or Chuck D or Kurt Cobain or Joe Strummer... you get the idea. Q magazine knows it's crap. We know it's crap. An extra-terrestrial visitor who didn't know what rock 'n' roll was, after having the situation explained to him, would know it's crap. This is obviously a ploy to get Q's once-great name back in headlines all over the Internet while people shout them down and call them idiots. And a very transparent ploy at that. Possibly the only one unaware of this fact is Liam Gallagher, who has a long history of talking about himself as if he was, in fact, the greatest front man who ever lived instead of the front man for a band with one great album and a whole bunch of so-so ones. And now, he assumes you want to dress like him. Unable to find clothing foppish enough to suit his needs, Gallagher was forced to create his own. As you probably know, Gallagher tends to look like a fashion photographer in a poorly-researched film set in Paris in 1969, only dandier. If that sounds like something you're interested in, by all means, click his link. Hope you like cravats! He calls them "scarves," but they're cravats.   Our last fail for the week: This album cover...

Fails Of The Week: The Runaways, Pete Doherty, The Strokes And Liam Gallagher

Sweet Jesus, is that ever ugly. We're not just talking about the facial hair, either; the fonts, the layout, the color scheme, everything. This was done at the last minute and with minimal expertise. Just terrible. Finally, a palate cleanser: Rocks Off's Win of the Week! This week: The greatest boy-band video of all time. Really kicks in after about a minute. Enjoy.

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