According to a recent MTV News report, featuring an interview with Justin Bieber's manager/handler Scooter Braun, Bieber's new record Heartbreaker will be a response to all the "bullshit stories" and hate he receives from the media to "end the witch hunt" against him. A noble effort, and certainly we in the media hope Bieber will prove us wrong about him. After all, there's nothing better than a revenge record.
But how is Bieber going to defy our expectations? How can he top himself and impress jaded, pretentious dickwads like ourselves who perpetrate this "witch hunt?" Luckily for all of you, I happen to have a metaphysical psychic connection with Justin and I can relay his thoughts and plans to you, exclusively here on Rocks Off.
Please note that my connection goes in and out sometimes, depending on how much weed Bieber has allegedly smoked, so some of these things may not come true. But I can assure you that these are the best insights we currently have into his future plans.
5. More Monkey Business This year for Bieber has been monkey drama after monkey drama. After losing his first monkey Mally to German customs officials, Bieber got a new monkey friend for whom he promptly delayed a flight by eight hours. For Heartbreaker, I can tell you now that Bieber is going to address not only the monkey business, but so much more. That would be good enough for a lesser artist, but not enough for our Justin.
Not only is he going to address it, but over half the songs on the record will feature Bieber's new monkey, who is actually named Bobo and has rap skills that rival Nas or Tupac. Keep an ear out, because this is really going to be Bobo's year, and when Heartbreaker drops, he and Bieber are going to conquer the world.
4. Joining Odd Future We know that Tyler, the Creator and Justin are friends, especially because this past month Tyler came clean and admitted he was speeding in Bieber's ferrari. In exchange for taking the fall on that speeding incident, Bieber will be joining Odd Future and fully embracing the OF aesthetic.
Prepare yourself for a Justin Bieber swagged out in leather jackets and Supreme, and get ready for his new attitude. If you thought Tyler's lyrics were offensive, you've heard nothing compared to what Justin can come of up with. Take it from me. Like I said, we have a psychic connection and you would not believe the things this guy is thinking. Heartbreaker will share those thoughts with the world.
3. Bieber Goes Punk In response to all those Punk Goes covers of his songs, Bieber will be updating his repertoire to match his new OF attitude with hardcore punk street cred. Heartbreaker will be accompanied by a major world tour, wherein Bieber will be performing his back catalogue entirely, backed by hardcore band Trash Talk, and screaming all the vocals.
Bieber has also promised that he will be stage-diving and getting in the mosh pits at his shows, so beware if you're a fan because he can't help it if he knocks you out. That's the risk of attending a Justin Bieber show in 2013.
2. Moves Like Miley Once his punk rapper transformation is complete, Bieber plans to chart a similar course as Miley Cyrus has been taking this year. It will all start with a bizarre new video for the third single off of Heartbreaker, which will be directed by Alejandro Jodorowsky and will consist of nothing but shots of Bieber at a party with farm animals.
It will really spiral out of control when he appears on Jimmy Kimmel Live wearing nothing but his underwear, twerking, and taking hits from a bong on TV. He plans to completely top Cyrus' bizarre behavior in every way, in what will be labeled the biggest publicity stunt since Joaquin Phoenix.
1. Running for President I have it on good authority that Bieber's biggest plan involves a mass conspiracy to gain control of the United States itself by becoming our next president in 2016. It may sound unlikely, but hear me out. Having spent the last several years cultivating Beliebers, he now has a built-in following which will dominate the electorate when his fanbase simultaneously turns 18 in 2016.
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It will be simple at that point to force through a constitutional amendment removing the restrictions on foreigners and those under the age of 35 from being eligible candidates for President, then it will be easy for the new Belieber Party to defeat the Republican and Democrat candidates by a landslide, leaving Bieber free to enact the next step of his master plan: diverting taxpayer's money to the establishment of a Bieber themed Moon colony.