Five Badass Women to Replace Miley on the Vogue Cover
According to various news outlets, the twerk-lovin' pop artist known as Miley Cyrus has lost her spot on the coveted Vogue cover, thanks to her naughty foam finger and vinyl underoos at her ill-fated MTV VMA performance. Apparently no one wants to take into consideration that she's just being Miley. (Sorry for that.)
And even if these news outlets (like the Daily Mail, among others) are wrong about Miley being pulled from the Vogue cover, you can guarantee that after famed Vogue high priestess Anna Wintour sets her eyes on the newest Miley video making the rounds, Miley will be sad-waving at that cover as it drifts away in the wind.
That video, from last weekend's performance of "We Can't Stop" on the German TV show Schlag den Raab is bordering on a new level of offensive, and not only because her singing sucks. Nope, Miley pulled out all the stops by performing that obnoxious song while flanked with a band of little people because, well, as you know, people are just props in Miley's circus, right? Watch your ass if you're somewhat different than Miley, cause she's out to fucking fetishize you with a vengeance.
I'm not sure how many times this can be said, but it's not edgy to use real live human people -- yes, "human people" is the only way to get the point across on this one -- as props for your attention-whoring. Way to try to dehumanize some actual people because you weren't validated enough as a child, Miley. (Where is her publicist?!)
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But really. Miley was kind of a boring choice for that cover anyway, and it's not like that foam finger and her half-assed (heh) attempt at twerking made her more interesting. All of these Steve-O Jackass-esque moves haven't made her a respected pop star, they've made her the flavor of the week in the train-wreck category. She was already a sub-par vocalist and her music, despite being so far removed from Disney and everything wholesome, is still canned, flavorless tuna that is packaged to look fancy and stamped with stupid words like "Bangerz." So who cares, really?
Vogue should have plenty of other legitimate options for the cover, so we'd like to suggest a few in case Ms. Wintour is reading our humble blog.
5. Demi Lovato If Vogue is hell-bent on profiling a former tween actress, then why not put Lovato on the cover instead? She's been plagued by negative press in the past, but she's somehow managed to emerge from it with more street cred and respect than when she went in. Oh, and that's respect from folks who aren't still part of the under-21 crowd -- you know, the folks who might actually pick up a Vogue here and there.
Not only that, but Lovato is actually doing a damn fine job of handling the press around her upcoming role on Glee, where she plays the lesbian love interest of co-star Naya Rivera. It's actually quite brave for her to take on that role, given that we are stuck in caveman times when it comes to depicting gay relationships on prime-time television, so I'm not going to make too many jokes about it cause it's cool. At least she's not making out with a floating doll head while advocating foam-finger abuse. Won't somebody think of the foam fingers?
4. Angel Haze Hell yeah to the idea of putting Angel Haze on the cover. She's a rad chick rapper to start with, and even moreso for rallying against this ridiculous Washington Post article, where the writer linked Miley's VMA antics with the Steubenville rape case. Angel Haze is just as outspoken as Miley, and didn't mince words when speaking out about that garbage. Here's how Ms. Haze put it via Twitter:
Recently been asked about @MileyCyrus way too much. Was particularly perturbed by the whole washington post thing. Let me just vocalize how utterly fucking stupid I think it is for a national news publication to post that her dancing is why things like Steubenville happen.
That is terrible journalism. Slut shaming and complete and total idiocy all at once. If @MileyCyrus wants to dance, let her. A female dancing doesn't mean she's 'asking to be raped.' Quite frankly, if she is not doing it on you, it is not for you. Women are allowed to not feel enslaved by any opinion that suggests that the display of any sort of sexuality is wrong. Die, you are what's wrong with the world, it's 2013.
You should know by now that the word 'no' does not have various meanings and is not to be taken as anything but no. I just don't get it.
She kinda deserves the Vogue cover just for putting those fools in their places.
3. Lana Del Rey I mean, if we're going solely off of the idea that we should replace Miley with a pop-starlet doppleganger, then we need one that has Miley's "unique" sense of fashion (and by unique I mean terrible) and her "meh" kind of voice. This pop starlet should also be quite adept at taking over the radio with her earworm songs, and for those reasons I'd like to nominate Lana Del Rey. She's quite interchangeable for Miley, and if she starts prancing around with a foam finger and those terrible hipster grandma shorts, well, gross.
More potential cover models on the next page.
2. Big Freedia Seriously, Big Freedia is the best. She's the queen of the New Orleans style of dance known as "sissy bounce," and the defender of all things twerk -- like, actual twerk, not just that shit that Miley and all of the uncoordinated girls on YouTube do. She's been poppin' that booty on the bounce scene since '99, and although she's not the originator of bounce, she is by far its main ambassador. She's even opened up for The Postal Service.
Everybody loves Big Freedia, and Vogue should too, especially since she's got no patience for the improper use of "twerk" by novices such as Miley. She has been speaking out about that whole hot VMA mess, telling according to NolaDefender.com:
It should've been someone else having those dancers up there and not Miley. We want to empower women of all walks of life to express themselves through dance music. I definitely push that at a Big Freedia show and I have a lot of white fans who get up there and really twerk.
I have some amazing white dancers who would get up there and shut Miley down. They could've used girls from New Orleans, even if they were not black, who knew what they're doing.
She'd be the perfect anti-Miley to take that cover by bounce-storm, no?
1. Ellie Goulding I mean, it's Ellie Goulding. How could you not love her? She's the epitome of a pop star, so Vogue would have covered that (unnecessary) base, plus she's gorgeous and doesn't look like she needs a Hazmat shower, which is frankly not the case with Miley at the moment. Oh, and she's building a big, bad career on her talent versus her antics. Perhaps if you put her on the cover, Miley would take notice of a positive role model and we'd stop having to read about foam fingers and white-girl twerking.
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