Five Important Reasons Never to Date a Rapper

No matter how fine you are, you are not twins.
No matter how fine you are, you are not twins.

Rappers are awesome. They have the freshest clothes, they have the dankest weed, and they're fucking great at making words rhyme to a beat. Everybody wants a piece of their favorite rapper -- just check out those 139 people on stage with him. What are they doing up there? Nothing, really. They're just hanging out with a rapper. And somehow, we're jealous.

But relationships that start out with a lot of laughs and a cloud of bluntsmoke often end in tears. For too long, we've seen the best booties of our generation destroyed by sadness, hysterically crying after the MCs they believed would always be down for them turned punk, seemingly, on a dime. Hanging out with your favorite rapper is one thing. Going out with him is quite another.

Now, the reasons for dating a rapper are innumerable and obvious: They've got star charisma, they've got money, and if they're really, really in love with you, they'll write you a song -- or at least get your name tattooed on their necks. You can try to win him over, lock him down, become the Kim to his Kanye. But understand you'll have to beat the odds.

Before you start getting your reel ready for the producers of Love & Hip-Hop, slow down for a second and consider what you're getting yourself into. Because you're no doubt blinded by love/lust, Rocks Off has taken the helpful step of compiling the five most compelling reasons to stay away from any attempt at a real relationship with a rapper. Read them. Embrace them.

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We know it won't stop you, because rap music fucking rules and diamond grills are pretty hot. But at least you can't say we didn't warn you.

5. Everyone Will Assume You're a Gold-Digging Ho No matter how talented your rappin' beau is, no matter how handsome, and no matter how much he gives back to his community, folks are going to go ahead and assume that you're just with him for his cash. Or worse -- a Gucci bag! It doesn't even matter if he's broke (and let's face it, he probably is). Even if you've known this dude since kindergarten, everyone from your worst enemy to your mom will tell the whole neighborhood that you're just with him because he's got a nice car and he always pays for bottle service.

It's such a cliché that Kanye had broke-asses around the world hollering "We want pre-nup!" long before he married the world's richest butt cheeks. Is it a double-standard? Hell yeah! Call it sexist; call it jealousy. Hell, call it clown farts, if it makes you giggle. Fact is, it's going to be very hard to convince anyone that you're dating a rapper out of true love. Especially when you're wearing those Versace shades he bought you.

4. Your Salon Bills Will Skyrocket So, you've landed a rapper. Congrats! You're officially a bad bitch. Of course, if you want to stay in a relationship with a hot rapper, get used to sleeping in your makeup. If your man is any good at all at what he does, he's going to have ladies Instagramming him, like, every damn day trying to take your spot. The minute he catches you looking halfway busted in your sweatpants and flip-flops, that girl that sent him the twerk video the other day is going to start seeming like a viable option.

If you don't feel up to making sure you're the prettiest girl in your hood every morning and every night, then maybe you should turn back now. You will have to compete for your man at all times, and Lord knows there's a younger, skinnier freak at the gym right now, wrecking that elliptical and knowing deep in her heart that she would look way better stepping out the Maybach in Prada than you do.

So put your weave lady on retainer, and learn to love those Spanx. In fact, you might look into some butt implants. It's a jungle out there.

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3. He Goin' to Jail Unless you're dating Ice Cube or K-Rino or somebody else that would never date you, chances are good that your rapper boyfriend sells weed. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that -- except that he's almost certainly going to jail at some point. It's pretty much a rite of passage for any rapper worth a shit. Whether it's because he dropped his gun at the mall, got pulled over for speeding with a brick in his trunk or simply had an ex drop a dime on his cheating ass, it's a bet that MC Dreamy is going to spend some time (maybe a lot) behind bars. Hey, he could use the street cred!

Oh, and guess what? When he's stuck in County, hoping to God he can sell enough schwag to afford a lawyer, who do you think he's going to call to bail him out and pick him up? Not the cute young thing he was hitting on last Thursday. He's calling you. And once you've tucked him in and reassured him that everything will be ok, then he's calling that cute young thing from Thursday. After all, he's got to hide out from the cops somewhere, and the bondsman already has your name and address.

2. Stray Bullets Are a Concern All of a Sudden Do you own a vest? Go ahead and buy a vest. It's a pretty sound investment if you're going to be dating a rapper. He could have beef with anybody: rival rap sets, his drug supplier, the po-lice, his army of exes, or just the guy whose gators he stepped on at the club and refused to apologize. Any one of these dangerous weirdoes might decide to take a shot at his ass. Or 30. Depends on what they're toting.

C'mon. We don't have to tell you how many rappers have been shot. And we ain't just talkin' Tupac and Biggie, here. It's happened plenty right in here in Houston, too. That's not even mentioning the fact that your boy-toy is probably packin', as well, and there's always the off chance he could accidentally shoot himself... or you. That's something you probably won't have to deal with if you're dating an insurance salesman, even if he won't get your face tattooed on his chest.

1. He's Got Hoes in Different Area Codes Ludacris already laid it out for you back in 2001. Every working rapper has his circuit, whether it stretches from Texas to Louisiana or from L.A. to Tokyo. And unless you're ready to completely drop your life and live on a bus every time he goes on tour (if he even lets you), he's going to be building a circuit of close, personal friends in every city with a stage. Even if he's too broke and lame to build a proper harem, it's still his dream. That's why he's a rapper!

You can call him every night. You can check his Facebook profile 20 times a day. It ain't gonna matter. When he's on the road, he doesn't belong to you, and the sad truth is that there are 20 other gals out there who think he's their boyfriend. For all you know, you're just his 713 chick.

And even if you're badder than Beyonce crossed with Wonder Woman, that won't change. Before you know it, the truth comes out and your sister is beating on your man in an elevator. And someone like me is getting paid to blog about it. Ain't that a bitch?


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