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Five Musicians We Would Like to Ball Gag

Five Musicians We Would Like to Ball Gag
Photo by Monica Fuentes

Look, we're going to cut right to the chase on this one. Some artists are more famous for their ill-advised antics than for their music, and those artists need to stuff a sock in it.

These musicians are making fools out of themselves, and the shameless self-promotion by any means necessary is, well, kinda embarrassing. We're tired of hearing how edgy they are, how weird they are, and how shocking they can be, and yet, when it comes to their music, it's all suck and no blow.

News flash, annoying musicians. If you're making the pages of gossip blogs, you're not edgy or weird. If the videos where you are candidly doing something stupid are getting more hits than your music videos, you aren't edgy or weird. If you have to borrow what you deem characteristics from other cultures and hammer them to shit for your own use, you are not edgy or weird.

If you're doing any of the above, or if you're going the route of putting out songs like the uber-racist "Asian Girlz" for attention, you are washed up and perhaps need to take a break and collect your thoughts. Just have your publicist blame it on exhaustion. They've probably used that a time or two when explaining your behavior anyway.

Go on, gather your belongings and exit stage left until you can stop acting like spoiled, self-absorbed egomaniacs. You can come back to us when you can play nicely with others. If you can't do that, well, we'd like to ball-gag you, please. It's the only way to get you to stop pestering the world for attention.

Here are five musicians we'd like to ball gag. And no, not in a sexy way.

5. Justin Bieber I was going to cut Biebs some slack on this one, and then I caught wind of his most recent antics. In this one, he's completely nude and singing for grandma in an obvious publicity stunt, with nothing but a guitar shielding his baby balls from the camera (which he oh so coincidentally posed for). It's just...ugh. Put some clothes on, Biebs. We've seen way too much of your toddler ass lately. You'll do anything -- other than making decent music -- to make headlines.

Once I was back on the Bieber needs to shut up bandwagon, I was also reminded of that obnoxious-ass video that shows him pissing in a mop bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant while the amateur videographer tells the dude (or chick, who knows) working there that they "swagger, man." He or she goes on to say call the kitchen the "coolest spot to piss," and that they should be honored to have Bieber peeing in their mop bucket because they'll "always remember that" and my patience for him ran out.

Um, yeah. They'll probably forever remember that when they're the ones stuck cleaning up after your filthy ass, and it's probably someone's mother who's working for pennies while you piss in their fucking mop bucket.

Biebs is a spoiled brat, and every time he opens his mouth he makes it crystal-clear that it's in desperate need of a ball gag. Remember his whiny birthday tweets? Yeah, we try to forget things like that too.

By the way, you'd think that diaper thing he appears to be wearing in every photograph recently would be sufficient to piss in, would it not? That does not make you look hard, Biebs. It makes you look incontinent.

4. Miley Cyrus "Look at me, look at me! I let my freak flag fly now instead of playing a secret musician on a kid's show!"

Okay, we get it, Miley. You're different. You're edgy. You sing about shit like Molly and doing lines in the bathroom, and you make an attempt to twerk every chance you get.

What you failed to realize, though, is that you're not original, you're boring. It's boring to watch another scripted demise of a pop star. Even if someone told you that the train-wreck pop-star route is the way to publicity, they forgot the part where it also ruins your career. That type of edgy doesn't get you a fan base, it gets you a ball gag.

Oh, and by the way, that stupidly immature and (perhaps unintentionally) offensive video of you looking for a "tranny" club in Germany, coupled with the recent use of the phrase "ratchet white girl" are not helping your cause.

3. Rick Ross "U.E.N.O." was bad enough, but now Rick Ross is proving how badly he needs a ball gag by going and using the Trayvon Martin case for his own publicity stunts, and his new track, "I Wonder Why," where Ross conjures up images of himself as a gun-toting version of Trayvon Martin. He even samples courtroom audio from the case on the track, and talks about his role play as Trayvon has him being "followed by a creepy-ass cracker."

News flash, Ross. The Martin case has already done enough for the country's racial division. We don't need your input, especially when your most notable performance to date is rapping about drugging chicks and then having your way with them while they're passed out. You don't get a say when your opinion is based on gaining publicity. You get a ball gag.

 

2. Lady Gaga Apparently no one has ever explained to Lady Gaga that there is a gaping difference between art and being weird for the fuck of it (or for album sales).

She's currently trying to culturally appropriate the wearing of a burqa in her leaked track, "Burqa," during which she attempts to make the burqa a sexually suggestive item of clothing by saying shit like, "Do you want to see me naked, lover/ Do you want to peek underneath the cover/ Do you want to see the girl who lives behind the aura," which is offensive as shit to the women who choose to wear them for religious reasons. Her lack of awareness needs to be counteracted by a ball gag to stop the madness.

Also, just, no. No with the video above, no with whatever videos you have in the works, and no to any videos you may even be contemplating in your pseudo-weird brain. Oh, and FYI, septum piercing is hardly some sort of fringe-society thing anymore, so you'll have to try harder to shock the general public with the rest of the ARTPOP promo videos that you seem hell-bent on putting out, despite the fact that they're awful.

Five Musicians We Would Like to Ball Gag

1. Chris Brown On this one, we'll just address Chris Brown directly so that everyone is aware of the problem, Brown included.

Mr Brown, put up or shut up, fool. Stop threatening to quit music and throwing temper tantrums on Twitter because people dislike you based on the fact that you beat a woman up. You asked for it, son, time and time again.

With every fist raised, and not only at Rihanna, but all of the other fights, male and female, and with every awesome display of stupidity -- see your terrorist Halloween costume or your beef with Frank Ocean over a parking space for examples -- people fantasized about ball gagging you, and why should they hide it?

It's also kind of asinine to accuse the general public of causing your non-epileptic seizure thanks to the "onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity." Um, homie? That negativity is due, in part, to the fact that you run around acting like the public has unfairly targeted you while you sit around feeding orphans and volunteering at animal shelters. In reality, you beat up a chick, and you've been utterly non-apologetic since, based on what we can deduce from your antics. It ain't our faults, so zip your trap.

To summarize, either quit making music or don't (preferably quit, but we'll leave that up to you), but all you're doing by throwing these toddler-esque fits is reiterating that you suck as a person by making empty promises of your return underground to "mainstream America." We don't want to get our hopes up by the thought of your retirement.

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