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Five People You Should Never Invite To A Concert

"The Tinderbox"
"The Tinderbox"
wallpaperbase.com

For music lovers, few experiences outrank the transcendent nature of witnessing a great live music performance. And most avid fans have a tried and trusted circle of friends they take along for the ride, knowing that even the most righteous rock show can be can be fatally flawed with the wrong companion in tow.

We've identified five common concert-going personality types to avoid, and listed them below.

The Chatty Cathy

Chatty Cathys crave the spotlight and often lack the attention span necessary to do much of anything consistently for more than 20 minutes. They've generally lost interest in what is happening onstage by about the third or fourth song, at which point they will undoubtedly lean in and attempt to strike up a conversation about mundane, trivial, or highly incendiary matters in the hopes of redirecting your focus back on them.

The Tinderbox

OK, so your friend displays a general dislike of people and a low tolerance for long lines, loud noises, spilled drinks, traffic, being bumped into, and close quarters. And yeah, they had a couple of shots of Jameson before you left, but that was just to "calm their nerves." There's no reason to think that your concert-going experience will be anything less than magical, right?

The Rock Snob

A variation of the Chatty Cathy, Rock Snobs enjoy reading and talking about music far more than listening to it, and will narrate a concert like a Ken Burns documentary. They are the ultimate wet blanket, sucking the fun out of the experience with musings like, "Aha! This riff is reminiscent of their early work in London", or obscure details you would have been happier never knowing, such as, "Most people think this song was written about [insert lead singer's love interest here], but it's actually an ode to the Church of Scientology."

 

The Rearview Mirror

Always looking backwards, a Rearview Mirror is only interested in hearing the old stuff, groaning and complaining with ever-increasing volume through any new material until a song they recognize is played (and then the cycle begins anew). They are never satisfied with the show they are currently attending, and incessantly refer back to some mythical Woodstock-scale performance they saw in college. And that's when you tell them that unless they have a DeLorean and a crazy white-haired scientist living next door, best to shut the fuck up and enjoy the show.

The Documentarian

A concert is about a shared experience. But it's hard to feel connected to your fellow man when he's watching the entire show through the tiny screen on his phone, pausing only to send a text or post status updates on Twitter and Facebook. Trust us, if you're friends couldn't be there they really don't want up-to-the-minute social-media reporting on what they're missing. And unless you have a professional-grade camera or high-tech audiovisual equipment, all of those pictures and videos are going to look like ass the next day.


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