Five Spot: The World's Ending? Nah, Bro. Here's What's Going To Happen In 2012, Guaranteed.
Well, the first week of 2012 is done, which, duh, means it's time for everyone to begin putting together their Best Of 2012 lists. We're working on ours already. Some doozies are included this time (75 Best Songs With Titles That Have The Letter "F" In Them; 31 Best Albums That Have Album Covers That Look Like Fruit; 12 Worst Rap Names Of Jewish Descent). In the meantime, let's look forward a bit.
Last year, local rap had all sorts of twists and turns (chief among them: Kirko Bangz shooting into the stratosphere). Here are a few things we're looking forward to in the coming months.
Show Getting Out Of Jail: Nobody has explained why, but Show, one of Houston rap's most mysterious characters, is in jail. And that sucks, even if it's kind of the normal shitty thing that seems to happen to him regularly (his Loud Howard mixtape was criminally underappreciated in 2011). It's hard to predict if his return will be glorious or furious, but, either way, it'll be good. The world is a sunnier place when Show is allowed to make music. (Word to Sais Yero, who actually mentioned that this needed to be on the list.)
New Music From Scarface and Willie D: Two of Houston's all-time greats are working on new music. That is a fact. Actually, here, again, because it deserves to be in all caps: TWO OF HOUSTON'S ALL-TIME GREATS ARE WORKING ON NEW MUSIC. Somebody call Obama, tell him to schedule a press conference or a national holiday or the sacrificing of some virgins or something. Shit is getting serious.
Delo Releasing Hood Politics v.3: Delo spent the better part of 2011 sitting atop the treacherous Best Mixtape mountain, only to get backdoored by Killa Kyleon, Le$ and Propain in the last quarter. Expect for HP3 to split atoms with its temerity.
Trae and Z-Ro Releasing The Fabled It Still Is What It Is: For years, Southern rap fans have pined for a second coming of ABN's nuclear It Is What It Is. In 2011, Trae and Z-Ro emerged alongside each other publically for the first time in FORFUCKINGEVER. Here's to hoping they can exist near each other long enough to put out a second ABN album. Maybe it'll even get here in time for Valentine's Day? It'd be a good gift to give, yaknow. You are dating a serial killer, aren't you?
The Unexpected: Incredibly cliche, sure. Whatevs. Somebody always -ALWAYS--does something absolutely unexpected every year. (We're putting our money on KDOGG, a mostly unknown commodity, doing something special.)
Somebody Starts Paying Attention To Yung Redd: Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
Mug Fucking Up Your Life Up: Mug, Boss Hogg muscle, has an album in the tank. It's getting prepped to be released. People are already excited for it. So are we. There just aren't a lot of things better than driving around alone listening to hardcore rap pretending like you're tough. It'd have been nice if God hadn't given us the frame of an 8th grade figure skater; might make the Listening To Gangster Rap Music experience a little less treacherous, is all we're saying.
Undergravity Realizes It's Not 1997 Anymore, Goes Apeshit, Murders Six Or Seven People At Rap Concert: Those guys are the best. Here's their "Summertime" video that was so, so good.
The Houston Press Music Awards Including A "Best Music Video" Category: It's time.
Ooh, since we're here, some scattershot predictions for the year:
Chamillionaire will descend from his castle on the moon and release a mixtape and, God willing, maybe even an actual album.
Slim Thug and Z-Ro's rumored album is an actual thing that actually gets actually released actually. What's more, it's good, and we get to argue forever about whether or not it's better than the Lil' Flip and Z-Ro album.
Somebody figures out that Bun B is half-robot after he walks through a super-advanced internal scanning device at an airport in Europe.
The Box decides to start playing Trae again (it's been long enough, for real).
Paul Wall, inspired by his own personal fitness success in 2011, becomes hyper-into weightlifting, leading to him announce in August that he's retiring from rap to pursue a career in bodybuilding.
Lil Flip finally cuts his braids off, only to see them come back into style two months later.
Twitter explodes when it's unearthed that B L A C K I E's father is actually a real-life hurricane.
That hat finally falls off the back of Delo's head.
One Hunnidt manages to make everyone forget how insufferable poetry is.
The ABN Renegadez album comes out. Shortly thereafter, the Earth cracks in half.
Somebody starts following Killa Kyleon around, writing down all of the clever shit that he says, then puts each little thing inside of a fortune cookie, fortune cookies suddenly become interesting.
Jack Dorsey releases a public statement saying that he's decided to rename Twitter "Thugger." Incidentally, this comes two days after Slim Thug announces that he was changing his name to Slim Twitter.
All of that shit is going to happen. Guaranteed. Have a safe weekend. Thank you for your continued support.
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