Five Spot: Where's Johnny? For That Matter, Who's Johnny?
Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. It's five videos and occasional cussing. Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
We came up with a new game. It's called "Where's Johnny?" The premise is simple: You know the awkward-looking little Asian fellow that's always tagging around behind Paul Wall? Okay, that's TV Johnny, Houston's pseudo-famous jeweler to the rappers. All you have to do is find him in as many rap videos as you can. That's it. This game is loosely based on Where's Waldo, except you're way more likely to see someone gyrating their crotch at you. Oh yeah, you're also way more likely to watch a ton of horribly clichéd and uninspiring music videos, which sorta cancels out the flyness of the crotch thing. So playing this might actually end up being the same amount of gratifying as playing the original Where's Waldo. There are only two rules to the game: First, no videos from any of Houston's marquee guys are allowed. It's like, if you came up with a game called "Spot as Many Teenage Parents as You Can," you wouldn't go straight to Sharpstown Mall. That'd just be too easy. Same thing here. The more obscure the video, the more points you get. Second, there are no rules. Here we go.Jimmy Boi, "All I Know" Spotted at the 2:13 mark We had no idea who Jimmy Boi was before researching for this article, but as soon as we found out that he was a) from Houston; and b) Vietnamese, we automatically knew TV Johnny was going to be in the video. Matter of fact, we've yet to even watch it. We're just guessing that Johnny pops in at the 2:13 mark. "Why We Thugs," Ice Cube Spotted at the 1:46 mark We just want to point out that the album that this song was on, which is meant as a bit of derisive commentary directed towards the circumstances that breed "thugs" in America, was released just a tad bit after Cube's movie Are We There Yet?. Ace Hood, "Ride" Spotted at the 2:37 mark If you mentioned this video, you earned an extra 95 points because Dang's not wearing a shirt in it. However, you lost 140 points because Ace Hood unsuccessfully tries to rhyme "Clyde" with "house." Also, you lost an extra 60 points on top of that for actually listening to Ace Hood. "I'm So Hood," DJ KhaledSpotted at the 2:24 mark
Ack. There might not be anybody more annoying in hip-hop than Khaled. How he ever became even remotely famous is one of life's great mysteries. We like to imagine this is how it happened:
Khaled: Man, I want to be famous so bad. Friend: Really? Why? Khaled: I don't even know. I just do. Friend: Well, do you have any skills? Khaled: Ummm... not really. Friend: That might be tricky, then. Khaled: Yeah, probably. Hmmm... I can yell. Friend: What? Khaled: I can yell. Friend: Like, as in scream? That's your talent? Khaled: Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can do that. Watch. LOOK!!! I'M YELLING!!! Friend: Khaled: Friend: Fuck it. Go with that.
"Ice Cream Paint Job," DorroughSpotted at the 1:40 mark
Dorrough is like the Rain Man of hip-hop. It's like, at one instant, you think he might be a genius ("Got screens on the dash/ WatchingSaved By The Bell
/ Got a house by the bayside"). But the next, you're pretty sure he'd accidentally kill himself if you left him at home by himself ("I'm ridin' like that/ Boy, I'm ridin' like that/ And the steering wheel wood like a baseball bat"). Thanks for your support. Have an okay weekend.
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