It's a well-known fact that most band names are essentially gobbledygook, but here at Rocks Off we're trying hard to find meaning in the oddest monikers.
You know what I love the best about Houston lately? We have all these really excellent electronica bands that are just byte-fucking our heads at every turn. Bang Bangz, BLSHS, and now another all-caps, vowel-impaired act in FLCON FCKER (pronounced "falcon fucker"). I haven't gotten a chance to see the man we'll for the rest of the article refer to Two F live yet, which is a shame because he's got a rockin'-ass bird costume to go with his rockin'-ass music.
It's more pulse-driven than the siren ambient works of our more female-centric groups, and doesn't appear to use vocals in any major capacity that I can tell. Nonetheless it manages to tell a story amidst the melodic modem noises. Imagine if instead of trees and animals the world was made of machinery. Two F's music would be the pagan nature sounds of that metal world. It's like a William Gibson picnic soundtrack. I'm digging it.
But that name...
FLCON FCKER! Really? First off, I don't know why we have so many bands that think if they use vowels it will summon evil goblins but please believe me when I say that is almost 100 percent unlikely. I was in a band with seven vowels in the name and never once did evil forces appear... at least not for that reason.
And who fucks a falcon? You have to wear like a special glove and hood the things just to keep yourself safe when you want them to kill something, and they like killing things. I can't imagine the penis pain from invading a falcon's egg chute.
Thus did One F reach out to Two F across the Gore-blessed Internet. He said he had been waiting for me since I did one of these articles on Artificial Earth Machine. Apparently I'm getting predictable, but finding out the origin of FLCON FCKER was just too important.
"I was already building synths and playing some local gigs when I thought I needed to get a name," says Two F via email. "The whole 'naming my band' process is always a little silly. People always want to pick some clever name that somehow lets the audience know they're not only the most awesome person/people ever, but they have a mysterious depth and maybe people should come to the shows or buy some music cuz 'whoa that's so amazing!'
"I went the other route," FF continues. "I decided to just pick something ridiculous that has no musical context. I dreamed of a world where people would have to say the name in public with a straight face. Also I wanted to have a costume like Hawk from Buck Rogers. The URL fuckmyfalcon.com was available and you know how hard it is to find a URL these days. Everything's taken."
Normally I continue to rant and rave like a lunatic here, but that is literally the most sane thing I have ever heard in my entire writing career. You have no idea how many bands I pass over covering simply because the thought of wading through ten pages of Google search results for their pathetically common term name sounds boring. How on Earth did a band like fun. ever get anywhere?
Two F decided that he wanted something to stand out, and that he wanted to make people feel ridiculous saying, and finally that would be the only thing that came up when you searched for it. Bands, follow Two F's lead. His weird, weird lead.
Then again, why the vowel thing? It really does seem to be a regional issue. It's like the thing in the '90s where bands would just put two unrelated words together and call it good. It's time someone shed some light on this subject.
"I was just making light of the trends of the time," says two F. "Every band name, 2-5 years ago, had some kind of animal in it. Lots of 'Bear' this and 'Deer' that, Pandas and Wolves were 'in the mix,' as well. I hadn't heard of too many falcon band names, though.
"There was also a lot of dropping vowels, or changing 'A's into triangles," he continues. "Porn spammers were apparently starting a lot of bands and I just followed suit. When I started typing it out, though, I found the letters were more symmetrical with all caps, no 'a' and no 'u.' But no one can ever spell it correctly (irony?). I get why B L A C K I E is 'blackie all caps with spaces' I should have been 'FLCON FCKER all caps without spaces, omitting the first vowels of both words.'
"The absolute worst was a recent flyer... 'Flckon fukr?' Seriously?"
The point of this column is to assign meaning to the thoughtless little titles that bands attach to themselves. However, today I found something better. Someone that doesn't need a meaning, but knows how names work. That's a hell of an accomplishment.
FLCON FCKER (n) 1. One who fucks a falcon. 2. Electronic nature noises. 3. A well-balanced fuck.
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FLCON FCKER DJs tonight at Fitzgerald's with Ensane, Dayglo Produce, WolfeBlitzer, and Nikkhoo. Doors open at 9 p.m.