Four Loko = Elton John: A Day In Alcoholic Energy-Drink Hell
Last week for the Hair Balls blog, Craig's Hlist drank three cans of Four Loko to research just what has had all the kids freaking the hell out and going to the hospital in droves. It was a hellish experience, and we passed straight out after drinking three cans out of the four we originally bought. We came to on the office couch almost three hours later, loopy and feeling like total shit.
The distressing part was not the grape-y battery acid taste in our mouth, or the fact our pants were undone, it was that we remembered listening to some of the most awful and disparate music possible. Emphasis on the "disparate" part. We heard from onlookers that it got progressively louder as the "experiment" went on, and was wholly erratic.
Not completely out of character, though. Our Rdio account is a house of horrors when we are doing advance research for a show we are reviewing, like when Jack Johnson was hitting town we were doing our homework on his peers like John Mayer and Jason Mraz.
What follows is a sample playlist of what we were playing for two hours as the demon liquid began to take effect. You have every right to judge us. Does Rdio kill musical tastes, our does it merely act as a conduit to make your bad musical tastes bloom? With Four Loko involved, we believe it to be the latter.
Sabrina Carpenter: The De-Tour
TicketsSun., Jul. 30, 7:00pm
I Love The 90's: The Party Continues Tour
TicketsSun., Jul. 30, 7:30pm
2 Chainz - Pretty Girls Like Trap Music Tour 2017
TicketsFri., Aug. 4, 7:00pm
TicketsSat., Aug. 5, 8:00pm
Summer Slaughter Tour
TicketsMon., Aug. 7, 2:00pm
Prince, "When Doves Cry":
Of course we started with the Purple One, since we were going to be drinking the grape Loko later on.
Lady Gaga, "Monster":
Rolling Stones, "Emotional Rescue":
After downing over half a can, we suddenly got obsessed with opening drum parts of this Stones song, like almost sweaty-obsessed. We couldn't stop playing it repeatedly.
Alan Silvestri, "CHiPs Theme"
And the weirdness sets in, along with a fleeting concentration on the history of the motorcycle cop show. As we turned our head, it felt like our brain was itself soaking in Loko like we had poured it directly on the organ.
Slayer, "South of Heaven"
Things took a metal turn for a few minutes as we cut into the second can, the fruit punch flavor. We could taste Kerry King's solo work almost. Our teeth gritted and we had to pee real bad.
Limp Bizkit (Most Of The Catalog):
Keep on rolling, baby. You know what time it is. We were flying at this point. We had ingested 24-plus ounces of alcohol and God knows how much caffeine. This shit rocked our nuts off. We remember even telling a friend next to us how underrated Limp Bizkit was and lamented we should have bought a concert shirt when we saw them in May. And just in time, our imaginary father showed up to lay his hammer and mole down.
Like Jesus Christ showing up in the church to punish the money-changers for befouling its holiness, Motorhead swooped in with "Overkill," its drumbeat matching our heart rate. We professed our love for Lemmy and lamented the difficulty of getting a third can. Mind you, the office fridge is just yards away.
John Mayer, "Your Body Is A Wonderland" (We really don't remember which song):
This came out of left field. We assume we were searching the M's on Rdio and ended up on Mayer. It probably could have easily been Mastodon in this list. But we did profess on Twitter that we liked him a lot. As a friend or more than a friend, we aren't sure.
The Little Mermaid, "Part of Your World"
All right, we were shit-canned at this point, obviously. Our brain was at the bottom of the proverbial toy chest and searching for any semblance of sanity. We proclaimed that the Sea Witch was a bitch and that we wanted to get married one day.
Elton John, "The Circle of Life"
Returning to our child-like self again, giggling and ticklish, we closed out our day with this cut from The Lion King soundtrack. We just wanted to nap in a dark room. Can three was gone into the ether of our stomach, and so was our dignity.
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