Free Press Summer Fest: The Best Things We Overheard In the Crowd This Weekend
Didn't the guy on the left used to play football around here?
Photo by Marco Torres
"I like the red douchebag tanks."
"I know this song!" -- at the beginning of Paul Wall's "Smile For Me Daddy"
"Fuck your fuckin' water!" -- a testy exchange in the Fancy Pants tent
"When are the Geto Boys coming out?" -- ten minues after the Houston rap legends' scheduled stage time of 3:40 p.m. Saturday; Scarface and Willie D, minus Bushwick Bill, finally appeared at 4:06 p.m.
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"No one talks about semen hoarding in America." -- local comedienne Lisa Friedrich on the Jupiter stage
"Oh my God. They just said they're overflowing. What if it splashes back up at us?" -- as she squeals with her friends about that noxious portapotty situation; we all gagged in line
"Listen to us, being snobs about the bike cabbies. 'You think this trip is worth a $5 tip? It was downhill the whole way! Talk to me after you've pedaled up and down Red River in Austin a few times.'"
"I can't tell the difference between the hipsters and the dudebros anymore. They all just look like brosters. God that makes me sound old."
"Ha ha ha! Whatever you say, Cat Power!"
"No, we're not staying for Social Distortion. Too much Jesus stuff now. Like DC Talk, if they said 'fuck' sometimes."
"Mavis Staples sounds like a man." -- Just... no.
"Wait, why is that dude wearing a coconut bra? Does he really have boobs?"
"Dude, you want to hit this? I brought my regular e-cigarette - it's watermelon - but this one is butane hash oil. Greg only smokes oil now, dude, he gets it from California. We came prepared." -- every college bro at the fest
Photo by Groovehouse
"No it's not!" -- a response to Baroness saying "It's nice to see the sun finally coming out."
"Is that the FPSF logo?" -- in reference to the throwback Oilers logo T-shirts
"Is there a holistic chiropractor in the crowd?" -- Chan Marshalll/Cat Power, who seemed to be limping during her set
"Mike Watt plays bass for every band at the festivals he attends, and that includes ones he goes to as an audience member." -- in regards to Watt's guest appearance with Jandek
"Hey, would you happen to know where I could find some Molly here?" -- the way kids these days look for drugs, apparently
A group of people sitting by me were trying to name all the people on Saved by the Bell, because, you know, that's retro now. No shit, they agreed that their favorite character was "Stacy Slater." They were Americans.
Festival etiquette: Don't try to sneak in a backpack of Miller Lites and then berate the gate guard as he takes them from you by saying, "That's just cruel, man. Cruel." You are a tool.
I met a man whose friends referred to him as "Horsebelly." Within five minutes, I heard him say the following:
- "I'm omnipresent, duh!"
- Are you gonna eat that arugula?"
- "Am I freebasing right now or what?"
"I smell weed! Who's got the weed?? We're out, so bring some here!" -- The Men
"Ladies, it's summer, and there are a lot more festivals. Lemme tell you about baby wipes. You gotta bring them. If you wanna get laid after, you gotta wipe that shit up. I'm not tryna suck a dick that smells like balls." -- Kim of Matt and Kim
"I guess I'll have to just go to Best Buy and buy the CD." -- A girl walking by me about a band she just saw. Do people still do that?
"Don't worry, a long dramatic pause is part of the show." -- Japandroids front man Brian King, after some technical difficulties put the show at a standstill
"What is this arena?" -- someone apparently under the influence, who wanted to get in to the Fancy Pants tent, but couldn't figure out how to get around the ADA platform
"What do you, think you're from Brazil, or something?" -- Chan Marshalll/Cat Power, referring to Houston's summer heat
Photo by Groovehouse
"I think we'll get in sometime tomorrow." -- a man upon seeing the line to get in Saturday morning, perhaps having a flashback to last year
"Guys think it's all sexy for girls to not wear underwear. Ladies, you gotta wear underwear. Otherwise that shit chafes, and then you get pus." -- Matt and Kim's Kim again
"She's got soul, man!" -- a guy at Mavis Staples. Yeah, bro... that's the point.
"She's telling people I've got herpes! I took her to Starbucks!" -- an indignant young lady on a frenemy
"I'm Annise Parker! Don't feed the homeless!" -- a heckler during Parker's introduction of Mavis Staples
"You can be as big of a music lover as me, you just have to put the time into it." -- a very earnest female to her non-music-loving boyfriend during Of Monsters and Men; she LOVED the song from the Discover Card commercial and left promptly afterward
"Married women need to wear rings so I don't waste my time talking to them." -- a true ladies' man
A conversation between to young women in which one pronounced it "Bassnectar" (like the frequency) and the other "Bassnectar" (like the fish), and neither corrected the other. I dayrdreamed that it was like the fish.
"We are The Bronx and we're from Los Angeles, California!" -- The lead singer of The Bronx; funny for obvious reasons
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