Nuge the Stooge knows what CIA director needed.
Enough already about Gen. David Petraeus and his private harem ... err, his embedded biographer with the flashy wardrobe and bad vision. Petraeus is a patriot, a winner of wars, a brilliant strategerizer, a man dedicated to little beyond his own career. Now is that so bad?
What we really want to know -- and it's the same thing we've wanted to know about Bill Clinton, Shrub Bush, Colin Powell and Ann Coulter -- is what's in the damned man's I-Pod. Through Internet surveillance techniques that we would rather not reveal unless subpoenaed and water-boarded, we have obtained a glimpse at the most-played items on the general's device.
Stephen Stills, "Love the One You're With": Stills never went to war, but he understood what could happen to a man thousands of miles from home in a war zone. According to sources close to Petraeus, this was not the first time Ms. Broadwell had heard this tune. After two glasses of champagne, Petraeus was known to crank the volume on this one.
Oak Ridge Boys, "Trying To Love Two Women": "Is like a ball and chain." The Oak Ridge Boys spoke to Petraeus' heart, especially on those nights when he grew somewhat tired of Ms. Broadwell's constant career climbing and nagging him for secrets. He often thought wistfully how much simpler it had been just managing a war. Sort of like what his home life is like now.
Clarence Carter, "Dark End of the Street": For all his training, even the country's top spy couldn't figure out how to keep his peccadillo covered up. Or much else, apparently. I guess he didn't have Clarence Carter's number on his cell. The FBI is still unable to ascertain how the whitest man in the world came to have soul music on his iPod, but they're working night and day (often shirtless) to crack the code.
Ry Cooder, "Christmas Time This Year": Even generals occasionally have doubts about the efficacy of policies, especially when the policies came down from Shrub, Cheney, and Rumsfeld. His distress over the dead and wounded was probably an element in his succumbing to Broadwell's Mata Hari entrapment.
Conway Twitty, "Linda On My Mind": In Petraeus's mind, the line could just as easily have been "lyin' here with Paula on my mind, and next to me, my soon-to-be the one I left behind." However, we're still willing to bet "You've Never Been This Far Before" was playing the night they consummated their ambitions...err, their love. Sorry.
Ted Nugent, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang": The modern soldier can't go to war without Ted "Nut Job" Nugent (an ancient Celtic word for aggressive know-it-all dickhead) on the 'Pod. Petraeus was actually rumored at one point during his affair with Broadwell to be on the verge of suggesting to the Commanding General of the Marines that the Marine motto "Semper Fidelis" be changed to "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang." Petraeus believed this would be a strong morale-builder. Gen. Allen was also in favor of the switch.
Nazareth, "Love Hurts": This classic power ballad is a recent addition to the CIA director's iPod rotation. It is also a favorite of Mrs. Petraeus, who reportedly has had it on loop since Peaches 'fessed up.
Hamell on Trial, "Coulter's Snatch": Like all right-leaning lemmings, Petraeus had a thang for that sexy manx pin-up could-be-tranny gal with lightning in her tongue who wanted all liberals put in concentration camps. According to sources inside the Petraeus camp, Broadwell's arrival on the battlefield prompted the general to have a staffer remove Ms. Coulter's poster from his private bathroom.
Mike Stinson, "That's the Kind of Trouble I Need": "They said stay away, man, she'll eat you alive/ Sounds kinda fun, where do I sign?" The FBI allegedly already has a task force looking into how the general came to have an unreleased Mike Stinson track on his iPod. Stinson is cooperating with the investigation but, ever the opportunist, is rumored to be considering recutting the song as a duet with Petraeus or with a new lyric: "Paula's the kind of trouble I need."
Jerry Lee Lewis, "Home Away From Home": Unnamed sources have reported that the general was heard humming this Jerry Lee Lewis classic repeatedly during his time in Afghanistan, no doubt attracted to the utter truth of "the one time that I'm an honest man is when I come here to cheat." C'est la vie.
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Paul and Paula, "Hey, Hey, Paula": The happy couple were so enamored of this old chestnut that Petraeus had his staff track down a karaoke version so he and Broadwell could sing duets. Peaches Petraeus couldn't get enough of this one. Apparently there were several things he couldn't get enough of. If only it could've been done by Peaches and Paula instead of Paul.