Get In The Ring: How 7 Wrestlers Match Up With Their Rock-Star Lookalikes
While rock stars wrestle with their inner demons, the performers of the WWE wrestle with other people. A rock star may cut himself because he just needs to feel something; a wrestler will cut himself because it's the championship pay-per-view event and needs to look more intense. The rock stars that don't kill themselves retire to a life of producing albums for other rock stars, while the wrestlers who don't drop dead of a heart attack by age 50 retire to careers of shitty TV action shows and knees that don't work right anymore. Yes, it seems the differences between wrestlers and rock stars are vast and innumerable, but nonetheless, we managed to find a few who seem to have quite a bit in common.
Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
What They Have In Common: Big, bald and pale. Sort of alien-looking. Gothic affectations. Both drastically changed their look at some point in their career; Billy by shaving his head shortly after the Smashing Pumpkins became popular, Kane by removing the mask that had been his signature for years. Neither seems to work well with others. Who Would Win In a Fight: Kane may very well punch a hole through Billy's chest without even trying.
What They Have In Common: Each is sort of a pastiche of biker, cowboy and Randall Flagg from The Stand. Both are mascots of dark badassery. Both look like they just crawled out of a grave. Both have a fondness for spiffy hats and bitchin' facial hair. Who Would Win In a Fight: The Undertaker is a scary dude, undoubtedly capable of dishing out untold amount of actual, non-fake pain. Unfortunately for him, Lemmy has not felt pain since 1972. It will take him a while to wear down The Undertaker, but that's fine. Lemmy has all the time in the world, since he cannot die.
What They Have In Common: Girlishly pretty hair, deep, soulful eyes, and the ability to sell false pain before an audience of fans who excel in suspension of disbelief. Edge is known as the "Guns 'n' Roses of Wrestling." Nickelback could easily pass for the "Guns N' Roses of Sucking." Who Would Win In a Fight: Hopefully Edge, although if Chad starts singing, Edge may succumb to the dehydration caused by repetitive projectile vomiting.
What They Have In Common: Both are snarky assholes with seemingly harmless boy-next-door visages. Christian has been known to throw epic tantrums in the ring; Lynch loves nothing more than to rain hellfire down upon uncooperative audiences. One of Lynch's most popular songs is the extended "Superhero" song, where he and the audience often improvise various bawdy and stupid superheroes. Christian actually had a superhero alter ego at one point called - we are not making this up - Captain Charisma. Who Would Win In a Fight: Lynch could easily hurt Christian's feelings badly enough to trigger a tantrum, at which point the singer could either walk away or bash his guitar over the prone wrestler's head.
What They Have In Common: Both are big, hairy ogres you would have serious reservations about inviting to your wedding. Neither can be trusted around delicate personal property. Both probably smell like wet dog and bleu cheese. Who Would Win In a Fight: Steele's "Animal" persona was just an act. It is no coincidence, however, that Abraham's band is called "Fucked Up." The man is a legitimate lunatic. He'd have George's throat torn out before the poor guy could even get into character.
What They Have In Common: Both have careers in film, where both tend to play cops, soldiers, or other straight-laced hardasses. Both are vocalists with extensive spoken-word performance experience. Both dig the "shorts and no shirt" look. Who Would Win In a Fight: This is a tough one. We'll have to go with Rollins, because dude has more pit experience and the brains to formulate an effective plan of action. Plus, Rollins has the strength of character to have never succumbed to the temptation to enter the world of rap.
What They Have In Common: Yeah, we understand they're both doing Elvis impressions, but we think the Honky Tonk Man wound up looking more like Kaufman than The King (once again we refer to Elvis, not Jerry Lawler). Both men were best when playing the heel, as well. Who Would Win In a Fight: They'd rig it so that Kaufman would perform as the boastful, thoroughly unlikable jerk shortly before the Honky Tonk Man entered the ring and beat seven kinds of shit out of him. Only the timely intervention of a foreign object-wielding Tony Clifton could save Andy.
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