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Get Over It: Five Rocker Muses Who Totally Suck

Sting, we need to have a talk about this Roxanne.
Sting, we need to have a talk about this Roxanne.
Photo by Jason Wolter

We've all been there: with a crush so big and bad that it completely muddies your ability to think clearly and infects your brain like an earwig, in love with someone who realistically is kind of a crapbag, pining after someone who, plainly, just sucks. We all know that this thick veil of fantasy can be very difficult to lift. The worst is watching a friend go through this.

How can one compassionately shake the sense into someone? How can you sensitively tell a friend, "Dude, she sucks, get over it?" Sometimes the truth hurts, but we need to hear it. Look guys, it's time to hang it up on these girls and move on. There are plenty other rock chicks in the rock sea. These girls SUCK.

5. Beth from "Beth," KISS Beth is a spineless a-hole. You call her and say it will be a few hours, and it turns into the whole night, and all she does is mutter some crap about feeling alone? Beth isn't really going to stand up for herself. At first you might think, "Sweet! I can walk all over Beth, and it's cool!"

But let me tell you what is going to happen: While you and the boys are finding the sound, Beth is finding someone else to sleep with. Beth is sooooo cheating on you, KISS. Time to find a girl with a little backbone.

Besides, you don't even really dig Beth, KISS. If you did, you'd go home. Instead, you and your adult male friends are playing with makeup. Looks like you've got a lot to think about, KISS.

Get Over It: Five Rocker Muses Who Totally Suck

4. Sharona from "My Sharona," The Knack Sharona is a real tease. I'm not saying girls ever have an obligation to "give it up," because, well, that is insane and irresponsible. What I am saying is that you should never have to beg anyone to do anything as much as you are trying to beg Sharona to give you a piece.

It not only degrades her, but it really degrades you, The Knack. She is obviously getting some sweet satisfaction out of stringing you along. This is clearly just a game in your mind, The Knack. Also, just how old is she? You might enjoy the touch of the "younger kind," but that can get you into some real trouble. Before you beg the next one, better ask for some ID.

3. Roxanne from "Roxanne," The Police Listen, The Police. Talk to my friends in The Knack and ask them what I said about begging. Let me make this clear: you are begging a girl to stop hooking. This is not something any self-respecting person should ever have to do.

Look, I'm sure Roxanne is very attractive and likely highly skilled in the ways of lovemaking, given all the on-the-job training. But really? I'm sure you can find a girl who is just as skanky behind closed doors that doesn't get paid for it.

And also, The Police, where are you going to take her out even if you get the chance? It sounds like she has poor fashion sense and wears really whorey makeup. Can you bring her home to meet the parents like that? Unless they really love Kelly Bundy, they aren't gonna go for it.

 

Get Over It: Five Rocker Muses Who Totally Suck

2. Jessie's Girl from "Jesse's Girl," Rick Springfield Look, Rick Springfield. You are in a bad way with this chick. You are so caught up in your fantasy about her, you can't see the clear signs why she is no good. First of all, you haven't even taken the time to learn her name, and it seems like she's been dating your friend for a while. What's up with that?

Secondly, she has a terrible sense of humor and doesn't appreciate a smooth guy like you. How is it that you have been funny and cool with the lines, and she still blows you off? You should lay the mack on someone else. I'm betting you get different results.

Lastly, and most importantly, she baby-talks. That is the most abysmal trait ever! You claim you want a "woman like that," Rick? A real woman doesn't "talk cute." You know, because she is an adult. I'm guessing Jessie's girl has some serious issues you don't want to uncover.

Get Over It: Five Rocker Muses Who Totally Suck

1 Diane from "Jack and Diane," John Cougar Mellencamp Diane is the absolute worst. She is a shiftless loser with absolutely no aspirations or goals of her own. Seriously, Jack. You want to be a football star? Hey, it's a big dream, but if you work really hard at it, maybe it could happen. You could at least end up playing D1 in college if you are pretty good.

But Diane? What's her big dream? To sit in the back seat of your car. Really? What the hell is that? Where I come from, we used to call girls like her "jersey chasers." It's called ambition, Diane. Look, you don't have to dream of being the next Meryl Streep or Madonna or whatever, but shit. Maybe you could go to school to be an RN or a teacher, or something!

Jack, Diane will suck the life out of you. And when you tear your ACL and can't play anymore, she's out the door. Jack, you can do so much better.



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