MORE

Girls Gone Wild At Scout Bar: A Mostly Boobless Bust (NSFW)

Sadly (or not), this is about as sexy as Girls Gone Wild got at Scout Bar Saturday.
Sadly (or not), this is about as sexy as Girls Gone Wild got at Scout Bar Saturday.
Photo and videos by Matthew Keever

As Rocks Off pulled into Scout Bar's parking lot at 8:30 on Saturday night, we saw a large Girls Gone Wild tour bus with some poor guy's daughter's 20-foot image plastered on the side. It made us pray that if we ever have children, we have boys.

Perhaps we had overdramatized the event in our head, but Rocks Off half expected to have breasts shoved in our faces and drinks spilled on us all night. Instead, the first two hours there were possibly the most boring of our life. We brought a friend with us, and the experience was so miserable, we had to buy him dinner afterward just to clear our conscience.

After ordering a few drinks, we took a seat near the door and watched people coming and going, and none of them struck us as overtly wild. A little before 11 p.m., we walked up to one of the GGW guys to figure out what the hell, if anything, was going on.

"What's the deal with the girls?" we asked.

"What girls?" he responded.

Metal Shop couldn't quite coax the crowd out of its clothes either.

We paused momentarily then pointed at his shirt that read 'Girls Gone Wild.'

"The film crew's here," he said, quite matter-of-factly. "So it all depends on what the girls here do. We just bring the cameras."

Having been watching who was coming in for the previous two hours, Rocks Off really, really hoped that some women had snuck in the back, because the ones we saw weren't exactly, shall we say, camera-ready.

Metal Shop took the stage at about 10 p.m., and we were blown away; not so much by the music (although it did sound good) but by how dedicated the four guys on stage were to '80s hair-metal. They dressed the part - leather pants, tight fitting T-shirts, scarves around their necks and eccentric wigs. They sold their act, and the crowd loved it.

For as much as Rocks Off and our friend don't have the musical palette for the genre, Metal Shop did a great job doing it. Their set also succeeded in getting a bunch of 30- and 40-something-year-old women to the front of the stage to dance with one another. But then again, Rocks Off is pretty sure that at that age, women are looking for any way to let loose a little, especially in Clear Lake.

The boys in Metal Shop valiantly tried to get a few girls in the front to show their goods for free wristbands, but to no avail. Maybe they should have brought T-shirts.

"This is literally the douchiest place I've ever been," our friend Dean said to us a little before midnight. And as much as we wanted to explain to him that on Sunday nights, when it hosts the Texas Buzz, Scout Bar is rockin'... we couldn't help but agree at the time.

Warning: NSFW (and fairly creepy) video after the jump.

 

In an attempt to validate our trip to the bar, we walked into the Green Room, which for those of you unfamiliar with Scout Bar's layout is where the stripper poles are as well as where the DJs set up shop. There was so little activity going on, the GGW cameramen ended up joining Metal Shop onstage and filming the crowd, none of whom flashed the cameras either.

Looks like Houston boys will have to stick to old-fashioned courting: Dinners, flowers, movies and Raisinettes. Don't lie, ladies. You know you love 'em.

Eventually though, a few women lowered their tank tops and screamed for the cameras. While Rocks Off was in the Green Room, trying to see what was going on and get our readers some video of the tomfoolery, we almost got into about five fights, none of which we instigated.

A few people angrily asked us why we got to bring a camera in, as if they had some right to the women's chests that we didn't share. After 40 minutes of the same three girls dancing on the poles, we left, and we seriously doubt we missed much.

Sorry everyone, but it doesn't look like the hottest girl in America is in Texas. And if she is, we really doubt she was in Clear Lake at a seedy bar on Saturday night. And even if she was, she probably had the common sense and self-restraint not to flash the cameras and portray herself as an object. But hey, the place was packed, so maybe this was just a ploy all along to get people to Scout Bar to spend money.

Assuming that was the case, the night was a huge success.Scout Bar should buy a Girls Gone Wild bus and just keep it parked outside. Apparently, it's great for business. And yet very few women felt obligated to raise their shirts.

It's good to see a full house for an evening of entertainment in these stark economic times, but Rocks Off isn't sure Girls Gone Wild will get much traction in the future from men or women who are not comfortable with women being showcased as sexual objects. Besides, Internet porn is free these days (for the most part).

We think that the GGW fad has pretty much run its course. Fun, hip and entertaining does not have to be seen as only for the young and thin.

As we walked outside in silence, we felt like we needed to say something to our friend to get him to smile.

"Guess how many boobs I saw, Marge," we said in the best Homer Simpson impression we could muster. "Fifteen!"


Sponsor Content