After years of searching, scientists have finally discovered a planet that may be able to support human life. Gliese 581d, as it is known is 20 light years from Earth, and though it's just a bit on the cool side for comfortable human habitation, it looks like a pretty good bet that he planet can sustain liquid water, and maybe even clouds and rainfall.
The downside is that the air is pretty dense, it's dark there and it's cold. In other words, it's perfect for goth colonization. Little annoying sunlight and weather permitting satin and leather all year round? Sign us up.
An emergency meeting of the Gothic Council was called so that plans could be laid for our impending takeover of Gliese 581d. Joining the Council this week is fashion designer Batty, Punky Moms founder Sarah Fanning and Carol Daeumer of Vaniteux Salon et Nano Spa.
Batty: I would like a good melting pot of weirdoes to colonize the new Gothopia. It has to stay fashionable, though.
So I would also like to nominate we take all the very worst cross section of steampunk dorks, emos, ravers, and general D-listers and rocket them off somewhere so they will not sully my new utopian paradise with their presence, or perhaps put them in a zoo and charge admission to heckle them. We all know that in Gothtopia being a snarky asshole is a serious business opportunity, and I have a degree in first class asshole-ery that I might as well put to good use.
Sarah Fanning: I think arts and beauty are essential. We need authors: Neil Gaiman definitely. Movies: Tim Burton to start. Visual art: I love Darla Teagarden. I'm also partial to Brian Froud.
Batty: Can we invent a time machine first and get pre-"I am out of original ideas and just do remakes and things other people wrote" Tim Burton?
Gothtopia: All measures enacted by the Council assume that we have a time machine.
Batty: Now that would be something. Gothtopia could really use some people from the past, imagine the possibilities. Can we bring Ian Curtis and Joy Division back so every hipster band on earth will stop copying them?
Sarah Fanning: I vote Vincent Price, Poe, Dickens, Oscar Wilde, Tolkien, and Fay Wray.
Carol Daeumer: Cloning people, cloning. I'm all for cloning Bela Lugosi, I hear he really knows how to hang 10. All bands should have a harpsichord, and all buildings must be adorned with gargoyles, and have bell towers, with bats in them. Let's face it; we all want to live in our own personal cathedrals.
Sarah Fanning: Yes, with lots of ornate statuary, hedge labyrinths, and hand-carved wooden and wrought-iron furniture... But no Walmarts. No evil people like Sam Walton. Just small boo-tiques.
Batty: We have to have Walmart/Kmart-sized stores so we can have things like "black light specials on aisle 13." A super goth mart, a utopia filled with nothing but the best clothing jewelry and art vendors from our home planet, and a ban on Hot Topic.
Can I have my own "Versailles" wing filled with gold trim and Liberace style decorations? I'm spooky and all, but I like 18th-century over the cathedral/somber gargoyle look. Maybe it can be a special chamber you send the mopey people to when they need to be punished?
Sarah Fanning: I think we should each head our own village. I mean, it is a whole planet. So Batty's can have her department store and pipe organs, and I want a big Victorian estate. My town will have small artisan boo-tiques. I will also have a museum and a playhouse/theatre.
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Carol Daeumer: Let's do this the old English way. Earldoms, Shires, Baronys, etc. We can each have our own "castles" and regin over our little self-sufficient fiefdoms.
Batty: Oppressing people! Oh boy!