GWAR's Vulvatron: "Ebola Is Not Doing as Well as We'd Hoped"
Vulvatron, rear, with GWAR
When Dave Brockie --the human avatar of GWAR's hideous, hilarious front-thing, Oderus Urungus--passed away last year, it was only natural that many fans assumed that it would be curtains for the band. After more than 30 years of blasting worldwide audiences with various bodily fluids, GWAR's face, voice and only constant member was no more. Who on Earth could fill his shoes?
No one, of course. But maybe two! At Brockie's epic Viking funeral earlier this year, GWAR raised eyebrows by debuting a new singer: the fetid Blothar, an ancient Scumdog warrior only recently thawed who belts out the band's heavy-metal ditties wearing the carapace of a spectral moon moose. But in September, they really popped some eyeballs out of skulls with the introduction of a new front woman: the busty, beastly Vulvatron!
Now, to hear GWAR tell it, Oderus ain't dead. He's simply slipped into the timestream, fucking around and causing chaos through the ages. Apparently, things have gotten so bad in eons to come that "futuro-fascists" have threatened to take over the distant future. In order to prevent this calamity, Vulvatron has traveled through the past to our time, where she seeks to rectify the damage to her timeline by assuming control of the most important band in history: GWAR!
On Sunday, Vulvatron, Blothar and the rest of the Scumdog army will invade Warehouse Live, giving Houston its first taste of the legendary group since Oderus' disappearance from this plane of existence. Rocks Off took the big risk of calling up the blood-spewing Amazon to ask what we can expect.
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Rocks Off: Thanks for speaking with us today, Vulvatron. To start off, we should ask what we have to ask everyone traveling through Texas these days: Are you concerned about Ebola at all? Vulvatron: Yes! Ebola is not doing as well as we'd hoped, in terms of eradicating the human race. At the moment, it's been quite contained to two or three pathetic countries in Africa, and we'd hoped it would be more widespread by now. Only one person in Texas has died, which is far less than your prison system kills. So unfortunately, it's been a massive failure.
I'm sorry to hear that! Now, you're from the future, Vulvatron, correct? Yes, I am from the year 69,000.
Wow! Does Texas still exist in your time? What's it like? Yes, Texas is a separate planet. It's an orbital satellite of the Earth. It's quite large, and it's mainly cattle and oilfields.
Nice to know it hasn't changed much. What's the worst thing about being stuck here in the past? Well, the technology is embarrassingly awful, including the archaic phone systems and social-media networks. And your food is abysmal! You must actually eat things, chew them and digest them to get nourishment. It's disgusting! In the future, it's all intravenous.
Now that you're stuck here, reduced to singing in a rock band, have there been any rockers who have inspired you in your quest for musical dominance? Oh, yes. Alice Cooper on his 67,000th anniversary tour! He was quite magnificent.
Ah, so rock and roll still exists in the year 69,000? Oh yes, yes. Many beings in my time are fans of the ancient musicological form of rock and roll.
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Well, now that you've joined forces with GWAR, human vivisection is obviously a big part of the job. Any humans you've particularly been looking forward to eviscerating? Yes, Alice Cooper! In Hollywood.
I imagine he'd like that! You're sharing front-person duties in GWAR with Blothar. Has there been any jealousy between the two of you? Yes, we have been locked in fierce competition over the size of our udders. At the moment, I think he's grown quite fond of mine, which is a bit awkward. It's created some awkward tension onstage and off. And he keeps smoking all of my crack!
Crack from the future is far superior to your Earth crack. It does not have any of these negative side effects. It's just a masterpiece of chemical engineering. I must consume massive quantities of Earth crack in order to achieve comparable results! So, I must constantly attempt to stop the rest of the band before the side effects take hold.
Lots of luck, there. Can you tell us a little bit about your mission here in the 21st century? Well, my mission is essentially to preclude the ultimate and total destruction of the universe as we know it: all Scumdogs, GWAR, humanity and the space-time continuum! In the future, certain events have been set in course by due to Oderus' disappearance and manifestation in my time, as well as the way he's really fucked up the battle with the futuro-fascist forces.
So, in traversing the fabric of space-time back to this specific time, I'm attempting to alter the current trajectory of GWAR and Earth in order to preserve the universe.
Godspeed! Will that involve creating a new GWAR album? Oh yes. We've been hard at work while on the toilet, writing new musical forms that hopefully will yield much more money. For crack.
Do you view your new position with GWAR to be a lifetime appointment? Well, hopefully not! Though for a human lifetime? For sure. Your inertial frame of reference is much shorter than mine. So, in terms of a human lifetime, yes. In terms of my space-time increments of measure, perhaps not.
GWAR desecrates the Ballroom at Warehouse Live this Sunday, October 26, with special guest sacrifices Decapitated and American Sharks. Door open at 7 p.m.
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