Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers

Hannah Montana: Is the tween idol as innocent as she seems?

Everyone knows the entertainment industry is supposed to prepackage role models for our children. Hell, suburban moms are just too busy running prostitution rings out of their houses and nursing crystal-meth addictions to concern themselves with ensuring their children are being entertained by wholesome, responsible and respectable teen and tween starlets. That's why the U.S. government started a top secret socio-genetic experiment back in the '50s.

Deep underneath the Florida swampland, a secret government lab has been cloning well-mannered, fresh-faced boys and girls and distributing them to major media organizations across the globe. Overall, the results have been fantastic. Generations of Americans have grown up with these genetically enhanced über-children. Where did you think the Partridge Family came from? Or the Brady Bunch? That's right.

For several decades, it seemed like the experiment was a success. Parents were free to go about their very grown-up obligations of drinking too much and carrying on extramarital affairs and could, with clean consciences, leave their children's brains to steep in the warm glow of respectable film and television ­personalities.


Hannah Montana

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers perform Sunday, November 11, at Toyota Center, 1510 Polk, 713-758-7200.

Unfortunately, this great American dream couldn't last forever. Recently, starting in the early '90s, many of the young stars who emerged from the project have been exhibiting some of the behaviors that the program originally sought to eliminate in headstrong young celebrities.

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Researchers link the issues back to the Alyssa Milano virus, named after the child star turned soft-porn washout. Lack of judgment, restraint and clothing are typical symptoms, indicating that a cloned child star may be infected.

So far, one notable starlet seems to have avoided infection: Miley Cyrus of Hannah Montana fame. Ms. Cyrus, scion of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray, has managed to navigate the difficult waters of childhood stardom, launching a successful acting and singing career.

Recently, though, there have been some troubling developments on the horizon. Fabricated reports of teen pregnancy, issues surrounding ticket sales for her concerts, and friendships with such troubled young stars as Vanessa Hudgens may be signs that all is not well in the life of this particular test-tube starlet.

Cyrus is currently crisscrossing the U.S on her "Best of Both Worlds" concert tour. The basic gimmick of the tour is that Cyrus is to perform both as herself and as onscreen persona Hannah Montana. Accompanying Cyrus and Montana on the tour schedule are the Jonas Brothers, a group of boy-toy stars with a similar fan base. Cyrus has reportedly been seen in possible romantic situations with one of the brothers.

Should Miley prove to be infected with the Milano virus, the production will likely devolve into a bizarre sexual freak show, with Cyrus seducing her alter ego, Hannah Montana, and the Jonas Brothers erupting in a circle jerk around her. Such an event would likely be a watershed moment in the spread of the Milano virus.

Up until now, Miley Cyrus has been one of the only starlets to avoid such disastrous situations. If we lose Miley, I'm afraid we've lost the war. There is some hope, however. Researchers have been working on a vaccine, created from antibodies carried in the bloodstream of former Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync svengali Lou Pearlman, one of the original vectors of the disease.

Recently, the treatment was given to Mouseketeer-cum-harlot Britney Spears. Researchers are awaiting final analysis of last month's new record, Blackout, to determine the efficacy of the treatment. Stay tuned.

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