Happy 30th, Britney! Maybe Now You Can Finally Put These Performances Behind You

The face that launched a thousand Bob Doles
The face that launched a thousand Bob Doles

Where were you in...'81? Rocks Off was in junior high, spending long, solitary afternoons in his bedroom listening to Moving Pictures and Dark Side of the Moon and wondering why no girls seemed to be interested in playing Squad Leader.

But 1981 also saw several key musical milestones. Billy Idol left Generation X, and Iron Maiden played its first show with a new lead singer by the name of Bruce Dickinson.

It also marked the birth year of one Britney Jean Spears. The "Toxic" and "Slave 4 U" singer has crammed a hell of a lot of living into three decades: two marriages, two sons, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and over 100 million albums sold. Pretty impressive.

30 may or may not be the new 20, but it should give one a chance for a fresh start. Rocks Off is confident the coming decade will see much more success for Britney, and nothing like this meticulously compiled selection of her worst performances.

Crossroads (2002)

Musicians trying their hands at acting is a rich tradition, dating all the way back to, oh, Vanilla Ice in Cool As Ice. Britney gives it her all in her motion picture debut, earning her first acting award (a Razzie, but something to put on the mantel nonetheless). Fun fact: Crossroads was written by Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rimes. And people are surprised at that 2.7 rating on Metacritic?

Britney & Kevin: Chaotic (2005)

Britney shouldn't be too disappointed by the abrupt cancellation of her and (then) hubby Kevin Federline's show. Lots of programs only run five episodes. Of course, they're usually British.

Rocks Off assumes this if from the show. If not, I'll travel back in time and delete it.

"Gimme More" -- The 2007 VMAs

One critic dubbed this performance "one of the worst to grace the MTV awards." That puts it in rarefied company along with about 600 other acts.


Super Bowl XXXV (2001)

One of the last halftime performances to feature musical acts born after the Kennedy Administration, this one also completed the ceremonial castration of Aerosmith that Permanent Vacation began 14 years earlier. And there's not much creepier than a 53-year old Tyler flirting with a 19-year old Spears whatsoever...

That Bob Dole Pepsi Commercial (2001)

...Unless it's a 78-year old Bob Dole leering at her while she writhes through another series of dance maneuvers designed to force men to pop boners (to say nothing of the nursing home guys sucking down oxygen like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet) and, hopefully, drink Pepsi. But wait a minute: Isn't Dole a Viagra spokesman, too? Fetch me my blue pills, boy!

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