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Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

Are you readay-yaahh?
Are you readay-yaahh?
Photo by Jim Bricker

Well, we've done it again. Creed singer Scott Stapp's birthday came and went this week (he's 39), and we didn't get him a thing. Didn't even shout him out on Twitter. After the considerable musical gifts this man has given us over the years, that's completely unacceptable.

There's only one way to make things right, and we think you know what that is: a belated birthday present and a nice card (no CVS garbage). He's probably a little offended that we forgot, so we've got to put a little thought into it. Once you're already late, a Starbucks gift card ain't gonna cut it.

Rocks Off has come up with 10 perfect gift ideas for the greatest rock star of his generation, and just in case you're in the same boat as we are, we're sharing our list with you. Any one of these gift ideas would show Mr. Stapp the appreciation and generous spirit that this artistic contributions to the soundtrack of our lives have earned him.

We'll be honest: It's going to be pretty hard to pick just one. WWJD? He'd buy ALL of them for Scott Stapp, that's what. Can we faithfully do any less?

10. Leather Repair Kit

When properly cared for, leather pants should be a rock-star investment that lasts for decades. Seems likely to us that, while Mr. Stapp was boozed and pilled out of his mind for a good decade or so, he probably let his flashy britches fall into disrepair. The life of an addict can be rough, and rips, tears, holes and burns in your expensive, custom-made clothing come with the territory.

Don't toss 'em out yet, Scott! One of your fans must surely be thoughtful enough to get you this easy-to-use leather repair kit. Just apply and let dry, and those silvery trousers that got you hella-laid in the '90s will look brand-new again.

9. Donation to the Arms Wide Open Foundation

Even if you'd rather have icepicks fill your ears than Creed's music, and even if you'd rather give Hitler a hand job than dap to Scott Stapp, that still doesn't make the singer a completely irredeemable asshole. Case in point: Back in 2000, Stapp helped to found the Arms Wide Open Foundation, a charity designed to "promote healthy, loving relationships between children and their families."

That sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? Scott Stapp's a famous rock star who already has everything, right on down to his own celebrity sex tape. Instead of buying him some trinket he'll probably toss in the trash, why not reward his more altruistic instincts with a donation to his charitable foundation, instead? After all, there's no one better equipped to teach our kids about artistry and family than the shirtless dude from Creed.

8. Two Tickets to Gathering of the Juggalos 2012

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

It's not easy being the most reviled man in rock. Sure, Scott Stapp was able to self-medicate with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll he could stand for 15 years or so, but that turned out to be a lonely, isolated path that estranged him from his own bandmates. Is there no brotherhood to be found by this man who so clearly longs for love?

Of course there is -- with Stapp's only rivals for the title of "Most Hated" in the music biz! The Insane Clown Posse know a thing or two about dealing with rejection from music snobs, and they're at peace with it, content to do their own thing. We can easily see Stapp finding acceptance this week amongst the outcast "family" at the annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival.

We certainly know that the sentiment "wicked clown love" captures how we feel about him, anyway.

 

7. Five Minutes Alone with Myles Kennedy

Kennedy, middle right, with Creed Alter Bridge
Kennedy, middle right, with Creed Alter Bridge

With Stapp firmly returned to the Creed fold, we think it's time that he finally has the chance to confront Myles Kennedy -- the semi-anonymous jag that essentially replaced him in Alter Bridge -- face to face. Just seems like these two should have words.

We're not saying Stapp should feel obligated to use his five minutes alone with Kennedy to knee him in the face repeatedly, choke him into unconsciousness or otherwise physically harm or intimidate his highly capable knock-off (not that we'd snitch on him). Maybe he'd prefer to arm-wrestle Myles, or just swap jokes about Mark Tremonti's beard.

Point is, that'll be up to Scott. It's his birthday.

6. Carlos Lee Marlins Jersey

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

Stapp has long been a loyal fan of baseball's Miami (neé Florida) Marlins, even going so far as to record the song "Marilins Will Soar" (WTF?!) in tribute to the club. Sure, Marlins fans shat all over it and loudly tried to distance themselves from the rock and roll pariah, but a true fan is a true fan.

That's why, as Houstonians, we think it'd be a nice gesture to get Scott an authentic jersey of Miami's new superduperstar, Carlos Lee. After his long tenure with Astros, Lee can probably relate to Stapp's well-earned whipping-boy status. With both men searching for a little redemption as they transition to a new phase of their careers, El Caballo is simply the ideal player for Scott Stapp to adopt as his on-the-field surrogate in the always-hot NL East playoff race.

5. His Own Prison

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

Sure, he created his own prison. But has he ever owned his own prison? We think not!

Luckily, there happen to be a few for sale out there. Just think what having his own prison to play in could do for Scott Stapp! In addition to helping him work out some of his more obvious psychological demons, it could help inspire future classic Creed singles, serve as a rehearsal and storage space, or even be used to lock away all physical copies of his remaining sex tapes to prevent leaks. Versatile!

Or, he could just, y'know, fill it with prisoners. Private prisons do pretty decent business, we've heard.

 

4. A Good Review

With good looks, fame and money at his disposal, some might say Scott Stapp has everything. But one thing forever out of his reach, it seems, is critical adoration. Music writers (and fans and industry professionals) freaking hate this guy, even though he's a perfectly talented and inoffensive rock singer.

What the hell, Scott, it's your birthday. So here's a quick review of Creed's last album, just for you:

Multi-platinum mega-stars Creed have assured their future place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with 2009's Full Circle, a triumphant return to form wracked with not-at-all over-the-top emoting from the band's chiseled front man, Scott Stapp. Combining the introspective poetry of Morrison, the brooding intensity of Cobain and the Christ-like sincerity of Bono, Stapp's lyrical delivery places him in a class all his own among the immortal pantheon of rock vocalists. Anyone who doesn't like this record probably listens to rap.

3. Pearl Jam Box Set

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

Hey, it just seems like the guy is probably a big Eddie Vedder fan, is all.

2. A Hug

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

Scott Stapp needs a hug, you guys. The man has a lot of pain inside. You know it. We know it. Everybody knows it. But nobody hugs him, because nobody wants to be seen hugging Scott Stapp. Frankly, he also always looks like he'd be slightly damp to the touch, which is fucking gross.

Well, suck it up, dammit. It's his birthday! Scott Stapp deserves love and affection just like anybody else. C'mon, it'll be easy -- his arms are wide open already. Turn out the lights, check for cameras, do whatever you need to do to get comfortable. Just man up and hug the guy already before he cries.

 

1. A Goddamn Shirt

Happy Belated Birthday, Scott Stapp: 10 Gift Ideas for a Rock Icon

We're not sure if he's broke or if there's trouble at home or what, but Scott Stapp seems to be completely shirtless, like, 110 percent of the time. That's fine for 20-year-olds, but you're another year older now, Scott. Nobody wants to watch your sweat bead up, and you can't stay yoked forever. Even Ted Nugent, completely self-unaware as he is, eventually retired the loincloth. It's time to put on a goddamn shirt like an adult.

We'll be glad to start you off right. Nothing to fancy -- no fringes, no snakeskin. Just a nice, off-the-rack plaid shirt that fits. Yes, you may unbutton the first three buttons, although that's pushing it. But you are under no circumstances to remove it in public, displaying your wife-beater underneath. It's new leaf time, m'man. Own it.


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