It's Scarface's birthday, y'all. What, you didn't get him anything, either? Thank God. The humiliation of letting Houston's most lyrical, most respected and all-around best MC turn 42 without handing him something to unwrap was hitting us pretty hard, but since you dropped the ball, too, maybe we don't look as bad.
Here's the good news: While our wallets may be a tad light at the moment (damn Renfest!), we're never short of amazing gift ideas here at Rocks Off. Do us a favor and pick out one of these ten presents, wrap it up nicely, and put our name on it, too. We'll pay you back on the 15th, we swear.
Come to think of it, maybe just have it delivered. It's already late, and... well, Scarface is scary.
10. New Astros cap
Guess what? While you've been completely ignoring the Astros, the team went ahead and unveiled the new uniforms that players such as... uh... that short Hispanic guy will be wearing next year when the club makes its move to the American League. All of a sudden, your 59FIFTY collection is looking pretty dated, there, bro.
It's part of Scarface's job to represent H-Town to the fullest all over the country, so it's important for him to rock the latest gear available. That's why a new Astros cap makes such a thoughtful gift. Just do us all a favor and pick up one of those solid black caps or, like, purple or something. Navy and orange just... ain't all that trill.
9. A Scarface Cameo
You knew it was coming eventually: Hollywood is finally remaking Scarface. Is there any chance the new flick won't suck? Not really. Unless, of course, the filmmakers wise up and find a cameo role for Tony Montana's most famous namesake. What better birthday gift could there be?
Maybe the man born Brad Jordan could play the guy who dismembers Angel with the chainsaw. Or perhaps he could be cast as Miami's greatest rapper. Point is, if he's not in the movie, we ain't buying a ticket.
8. Juggalo Necklace
Scarface has now made not one, but two appearances at the Gathering of the Juggalos, the Insane Clown Posse's annual celebration of music, wrestling and ill-considered drug abuse. Performing at the festival this year with the reunited Geto Boys, 'Face even painted up to show his clown love. Sure, the very thought makes us dry-heave a little, but it was Scarface doing it, so it must be cool in some way we don't fully appreciate yet.
So, Scarface is definitely down with the clown at this point, but he can't truly be Family until he gets his first piece of Juggalo jewelry.
Lucky for your broke ass, eBay is silly with cheap Hatchetman chains and necklaces suitable for gift-giving. Might be a good idea to pick one up for yourself, too. After all, 'Face is nothing if not a trend-setter.
7. iPad Mini
There's nothing specifically "Scarface" about the iPad Mini. It's just the hottest new gadget currently on the market, plain and simple. We want one. You want one. Everybody wants one of these damn things so that we can comfortably check our Facebooks from the toilet or church or wherever. Stands to reason that Scarface wants one, too, except he deserves one. Imagine the stuff this guy can do with Garage Band! Make it happen.
6. New Kiss Album
As any longtime Scarface fan knows, hip-hop is but one of many musical styles that turn the legend on. Dating back to childhood, 'Face has always been a major rock fan -- especially of the shy, refined gentlemen in Kiss.
As luck would have it, the Demon, the Star Child and their two employees released a new record this year, and it's a hell of a lot better than it has any right to be. When he unwraps Monster, Scarface will be reminded that true legends never retire... not while there's still money to be made. Hopefully, that's a lesson he'll take to heart.
5. Leather Golf Bag
Like many successful businessmen, Scarface is a great lover of golf. We really only know one thing about golf ourselves, but luckily our limited knowledge is appropriate for the occasion: Golfers love getting new golf shit.
New clubs might seem like the obvious choice, but serious golfers get their ball-whackers custom sized to fit them. With no clue how big and tall Scarface really is (8-foot-9?), it's a safer bet to get him a handsome leather golf bag, instead. For bonus points, you can go full-on Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack and find him one with a built in stereo. That's gangsta.
You can't tell us this isn't the perfect gift for an MC. To our knowledge, no musician in history has ever turned down weed. Certainly no rappers. And even if Scarface has sworn off the sticky stuff for some reason, it turns out that you just bought yourself some weed, instead. Just try to get pissed off about that.
3. Scarface Guitar Picks
Rapping may be what's he's known for, but Mr. Scarface's musical skill set is deeper than you may realize. The man plays a mean guitar, as he proved not too long ago at Warehouse Live.
Now, if Scarface is anything like the guitarist in your shitty band, he's probably constantly in need of a guitar pick. A quick Google search revealed the perfect tools for the job: Actual Scarface picks! God, imagine the machine-gun guitar licks he could rip out of his Gibson using these things.
2. His Own Statue
There have already been local efforts to build statues for Beyonce and Bill Hicks. Great as both of them are, they can't claim to have put Houston on the map in quite the same fashion as Scarface and the Geto Boys. Maybe it's a tad gauche to build a statue of a living person, but fuck it, it's his birthday.
The only real question is where to put the thing. Someplace in South Park, the birthplace of Houston rap, would seem appropriate, but we like to think outside of the box. Maybe a solid copper statue on top of City Hall would be good, or just a mammoth David Addickes piece on the side of I-45 to trade verses with Sam Houston from across the freeway.
1. The Scarface Mansion
Well, this is definitely it. The absolute best present you could hope to get Scarface for his birthday: The actual fucking Scarface mansion in which Tony Montana went sideburns-deep into some sort of powdered sugar.
Sadly, "Little Paradise" is not for sale, exactly. But it CAN be rented for the low, low price of only $30,000 a month. Now, we're not experts on Santa Barbara real estate or anything, but that price sounds about right.
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A little beyond our budget, sure, but we're confident that some civic hero like Bob McNair or Barbara Bush would be happy to step forward and throw down a security deposit on this bad boy in tribute to the birth of our city's G.O.A.T.