He Said She Said: Hot, Sweaty, Angry Workout Songs
When it comes to exercise, men and women don't have many different reasons for doing it. Mainly, both genders want to look better naked if perchance they find themselves without clothes on around a stranger they want to sleep with. Life expectancy, general health, and mental well-being are all secondary to looking hotter for your mate or potential slutty karaoke night hook-up. That being said, most guys forgo the treadmill for free weights and the uneasy comaraderie between you and other dudes in the weight room. Because muscles make you look like some sort of superhero, even you are folding laundry and trying to pick out hot dogs at the grocery store. So when guys choose music for their workouts, it's mainly of the angry metallic variety, be it rock 'n roll or hip-hop. Personally as nerdy white boys, we stick to mostly metal or the random Wu-Tang Clan song. It also helps your workout if the lyrical content traffics in revenge or spite, because it helps you build up the proper amount of hatred and loathing for an inanimate proportionally weighted object, or some person who deserves the same rage. It could be your asshole boss, some guy in tenth grade that stole your Discman, the bully who kicked sand in your face when you were at the beach with Veronica, or any number of women who purportedly spurned your advances in the past. So put on your jockstrap, lace up your New Balance, and get to sweating. Wait, that just sounds like a Friday night to us. What we do in our garage is the business of us and our thousands of Web cam followers, not yours. And for only $19.95 a month of access it's a steal. You, on the other hand, should totally put on shorts or something.
Honestly we just wanna lift weights so we can be big enough to join the Power Team , that group of Christian weightlifters who preach and shit while they rip phonebooks in half. Slayer, "Seasons In The Abyss": Slayer falls into the corny "hate-lifting" category with their gory quasi-Satanic lyrics. Hopefully the Slayer seeping out of headphones will drown out the sound of you muttering curses under your breath. Danzig, "Mother": There's nothing better to get you motivated to work out than listening to the diminutive Danzig wail like a banshee and brandish his huge Italian guns like the goth Guido he is. AC/DC, "Let There Be Rock": We had a drill instructor in the military that single-handedly turned me into a freak for this song back in 2003 because he played it when we went to the gym to work out on rainy days.
Metallica "Blackened": This is the first song off ...And Justice For All, the band's first sorta popular album before Metallica came out. This song is the exact point when the bands past and future converged for six sick minutes of symbiotic death-jamming. Turbonegro, "Sell Your Body To The Night": This song gains entry on the list solely on the fact that it includes the lines "Working out in the weight room, you're trying to make it pay. Sweating for a future, but it's such a long night anyway." That and Turbonegro is the shit. Black Sabbath "N.I.B": This song reminds us of working out at the high school gym back in the '90s with a bunch of kicker dudes after school, one of whom was lifting weights one afternoon and his anus literally broke. He was doing a squat press, you perverts. Thor, "Keep The Dogs Away": John Mikl Thor pretty much started this band to sing off-key and have a one man pose-down onstage every night by himself. Homeboy should sue Danzig for theft of persona. Last time we saw Thor, he had really gotten into getting facelifts and wearing mascara. He now resembles Paul Williams on HGH after he passed out in the make-up aisle at Wal-Mart.
Hulk Hogan, "Real American": This song is the "I'm Proud to Be an American" of Mullet USA, or at least we wish it was. Is it just us or does it look like the Hulkster isn't really playing that guitar? Either way, Lee Greenwood can suck it. Rollins Band, "Low Self Opinion": After Black Flag folded in 1986, lead singer Henry Rollins decided the next thing he was going to join wasn't another hardcore outfit but the Gold's Gym down the street. Rollins was always a bigger fella, but when Rollins Band debuted the next year, he looked like a pissed-off Joe Piscopo with a Misfits tattoo. Carly Simon "You're So Vain": Why? Because spending an hour a day sweating and staring at yourself in the mirror is probably dangerous to your health. This song is purported to be about almost a dozen rock stars, including Mick Jagger and James Taylor.
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