Thursday, August 20, 2009 at 4:44 p.m.
It's been 25 years since Tipper Gore and the ladies of the PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center) self-righteously rode the the rescue of delicate ears across America, claiming that rock music was "infecting the youth of the world with messages they cannot handle." It was the 1950s all over again. The list of the infamous "Filthy 15" songs that they claimed were highly objectionable seems almost laughable today, given the inclusion of such artists as Sheena Easton and Cyndi Lauper (who really listens to "She Bop" and immediately thinks of masturbation, anyway?). We've come a long way since Def Leppard was considered controversial stuff, and we've got the songs to prove it.
In honor of the Filthy 15, here are our Twisted Ten - the ten songs guaranteed to offend nearly anyone you play them for (especially your sainted mothers). Listen at your own risk...
1. Hot White Cum, Liz Phair
: Granted, the song's actual title is the benign-sounding acronym "H.W.C." But with song lyrics like "My skin's getting clear, my hair's so bright / All you do is fuck me every day and night" and a chorus that consists of Phair repeating the phrase "Gimme your hot white cum" ad nauseum, why not just get that song title out in the open so that people will know what they're getting themselves into up front?
2. Hammer Smashed Face, Cannibal Corpse
: This is just about the only song off Cannibal Corpse's 1992 album Tomb of the Mutilated
(trust us, you don't want to see the uncensored album cover...) that doesn't contain profanity we're probably not allowed to publish. Other gems include such anthems as "Addicted to Vaginal Skin" and "Necropedophile." But what else would you expect from band that's been banned from selling their albums in both Australia and Germany?
3. Mind of a Lunatic, Geto Boys
: Houston's very own, doing us proud, with lyrics like "My girl's gettin' skinny, she's strung out on coke / So I went to her mother's house and cut out her throat" and - perhaps the most disturbing stanza of the song, from one-eyed midget Bushwick Bill - "She begged me not to kill her, I gave her a rose / Then slit her throat, and watched her shake till her eyes closed." A rose, y'all! And they say romance is dead!
4. Clit Licker, GG Allin
: Easily the nicest song on an album that contains classics such as "I Wanna Fuck Your Brains Out" and "Hard Candy Cock," Allin's seminal Eat My Fuc
) was one of the less violence-focused albums he released. Showcasing his sexual prowess instead of the more typical self-inflicted wounds, fecal matter tossing and on-stage violence that Allin was known for, E.M.F.
showed a softer side of the brutal punk rocker.
5. My Neck, My Back, Khia
: Not content to leave graphic descriptions of cunnilingus to the boys, one-hit wonder Khia invaded ghetto clubs the nation over with her song "My Neck, My Back" (the follow-up lyrics "my pussy and my crack" were oddly left out of the title...). Her demanding instructions of "Then you roll your tongue, from the crack back to the front / Then suck it off til I shake and cum" disincentivized men everywhere from going down on their ladies, especially when coupled with rather frightening images of Khia herself
(warning: that link is very NSFW).
6. So Hott, Kid Rock
: Most of Kid Rock's songs are offensive by virtue of the fact that they are written and/or performed by Detroit's least favorite son. But "So Hott" takes the cake, so to speak. Why? This is why: "So hot, I wanna get you alone/ So hot, I wanna get you stoned/ So hot, I don't wanna be your friend/ I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again." Trust me, any lady that fucked Kid Rock would be so ashamed of herself for screwing a walking ball of sebaceous excretions that dipped his pen into Hep-C ridden Pamela Anderson's gaping ink well that SHE would never want to see HIM again. To suggest anything else is ridiculous.
7. Sweaty Betty, The Macc Lads
: The story behind how we were first introduced to northern England's answer to GG Allin (if GG Allin were a Viz comic) isn't all that interesting. At least it certainly isn't as interesting as their most famous song, a tribute to large ladies that would make Queen proud: "But after ten pints, she looked quite fit/ Couldn't wait to get my hands on her flabby tits/ So I said, Slap that and ride the ripples/ I just got to get my gob 'round her greasy nipples." A classic for chubby-chasers everywhere.
8. Going the Distance, Cake
: Wait...what? Cake? Cake's not offensive! Yes, my friends. Yes, they are. "But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns/ And thinking of someone for whom he still burns/ He's going the distance/ He's going for speed/ She's all alone, all alone in her time of need." Your dude is masturbating to the thought of another chick he liked way better than you, while you're all alone in bed. Awesome. And offensive. What are you still doing there? Dump his ass and move on.
9. I Lit Your Baby on Fire, Anal Cunt
: Another band - like Cannibal Corpse - whose very name suggests that you'll probably be scarred for life after listening to just one of their songs. Unlike Cannibal Corpse, though, Anal Cunt is a grindcore outfit and their songs are primarily composed of loud noises. When you are able to make out lyrics, though, you'll find songwriting gems like "I spent all my money on drugs and couldn't afford to fly/ I took a Greyhound bus, you and your brat sat next to me/ It wouldn't shut up, so I lit it on fire/ For 30 seconds it was louder, then it shut up."
10. Let Me Smell Yo' Dick, Riskay
: The first time we heard this song, we couldn't get it out of our head for weeks. It's catchy. Seriously. You've been warned. We only say this so that you don't listen to it and - days later - find yourself singing "Why you comin' home at five in the mornin'?/ Something's goin' on, let me smell yo' dick" out loud in the copy room as your boss walks in. Because...trust me: Not a good way to get ahead at work. And while we're on the topic of advice, don't try to smell your triflin' man's dick. It will never, ever, ever end well.