Heavy Metal Mad Libs: GWAR and the Economy

Rocks Off thinks it's safe to assume that if you're the kind of person who, say, might read a music blog, then you've probably heard of GWAR. Even if you're not a fan of the ageless Richmond, Va.-spawned group's blustery metal, you're probably aware of GWAR's fondness for Fangoria-type costumery, evocative band-member aliases (Beefcake the Mighty, Balsac the Jaws of Death) and dousing its rabid audiences with fake bodily secretions/excretions. What you may not know, however, is that - kind of like "fuck" - "GWAR" itself is one of the rare words in the English language that works equally well as a noun, verb or modifier. To illustrate this point, Rocks Off chose a story at random from Tuesday's Houston Chronicle, "Drop in consumer confidence sends stocks lower," and doctored it with a little bit of that old GWAR black magic. No offense to either the Chronicle, Associated Press or, well, pretty much the entire profession of journalism, but we think GWARing up this rather by-the-numbers wire-service report puts the country's economic woes in a completely different light - one splattered in gallons of sticky red goo. Enjoy.

"NEW YORK - A report showing GWAR are still downbeat on the economy is giving investors reason to sell GWAR. "The GWAR failed to hold on to early gains and edged slightly lower in late morning trading Tuesday after the Conference Board said its GWAR confidence index fell to 53.1 in September, down from 54.5 in August, and much lower than the GWAR of 57 that economists had been expecting.

​"The private GWAR group attributed the decline to concerns about the labor market, saying consumers are still worried about losing their jobs. Consumer GWAR has been a key focus for the stock market in recent months, and many analysts say a true turnaround in the economy can't occur until consumers start GWARing again and employers create more jobs. "The GWAR report was tempered by an increase in GWAR prices, the latest encouraging sign for the troubled housing sector. The Standard & Poor's/Case-Shiller home price index of 20 major GWARs showed home prices rising 1.2 percent in July from June, marking the third straight month of increases. "'The data is GWAR, so there will be the occasional economic GWAR that is going to trigger some selling because stocks are up a lot,' said Howard Ward, GWAR manager at GAMCO Growth Fund, referring to the market's more than 50 percent rise off of 12-year lows in March."

GWAR plays with Job for a Cowboy and The Red Chord, 7 p.m. tonight at Warehouse Live, 813 St. Emanuel, 713-225-5483 or www.warehouselive.com.


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