Ian Witlen

The stage is THAT way. Jeez.

And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.

Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza, or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blow job in the bathroom.

There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade but a bloody-nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there always something to drink. A naked guy is at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.

Rip me to shreds, but someone had to say it. For the millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.

Booze is more important than appetizers. Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for fuck's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for fucking and boozing and breaking shit. Half the millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah pot will get you high, and molly will make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.

BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."

Dance, bitches! God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.

Parties are for meeting new people. I swear, every time I hit up a millennial event, no one is meeting anyone new. It's all the same old people talking to their same old peoples. Go home with someone all your friends didn't bone yet for once.

And remember the Girl Scout song: "Make new friends but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold."

Stop Instagramming everything. That leads us to Instagram. OK, we get it. You have an iPhone. You're out and looking cute in your baggy top and skinny jeans. Lord knows your hair has never looked better, and that pout is so becoming.

But try, just try, to keep from Instagramming yourself looking like you're having fun, when really, you're just standing around using Instagram in a circle of awkward millennials. No one cares if you're at a party. Just be at the party. Touch other humans, speak words, and connect with them.

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