I can recall the first time I ever wanted a music video to be my life.
No, it wasn't 2Pac's "I Get Around," because I felt like getting chased by women twice my size and dealing with the aftereffects of a pool party where I only knew two people (Shock G, Money B) would be too much.
No, it wasn't Oran "Juice" Jones's video for "The Rain" because quite frankly, the only real fun in that video happens after The Juice busts his chick for cheating on him and tells her she's like Corn Flakes without the milk. The agony of doing all that detective work, following her and living with the shame of getting cheated on sucks. By the way, that's still the most disrespectful thing I've ever heard a guy tell a woman without using a curse word.
No, the first time I literally wanted my life to be like a music video? Janet Jackson's "Go Deep."
Consider the circumstances here. Janet Jackson in 1997 was absolute peak Janet Jackson, where she was straddling fans onstage and sending them to whatever form of a prophet or Jesus they believed in. It was Velvet Rope Janet, which came a few years after Janet, and that Janet just got done showing how awesome she looked in a bra in Poetic Justice. See where I'm going here?
Janet from 1997 to 1999 had no fewer than FOUR of my favorite Janet moments: the bra reveal from "I Get So Lonely" (everything from that video anyway), her playing a sexy video-game character for Blackstreet's sorta forgettable "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" track, her being a sexy queen of water in Busta Rhymes's "What It's Gonna Be?!" video and her playing the sexy, unexpected party guest for the "Go Deep" video from The Velvet Rope.
That fourth moment is where I literally wanted to be a 16-year-old boy waiting for a pizza because his parents are out of town only to be surprised with Janet Jackson at the front door. I know what you're going to ask here: Aren't you gonna be pissed about the people crashing your house and messing up your washroom?
Not really. Why?
BECAUSE THEY TURNED THE HOUSE INTO MY NINE-YEAR-OLD FANTASY OF A CRAZY PARTY, WHERE JANET AND HER ENTIRE CREW ARE FINE. THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOW POLITICIANS AND CIVIC LEADERS (Probably)! THE WASHING ROOM TURNS EVERYTHING IN A FOAM PARTY, THE POOL IS FULL, SHIT IS TRASHED BUT DAMMIT, JANET IS STILL THERE.
As you recall, the video ended with the dude getting backed up the stairs by Janet Jackson, about to really give him the business. In a sense, this tops the 2Pac memory because all the implications of getting some from Janet Jackson at her peak as opposed to a 1993 yamp are all there. Of course, the dude wakes up and realizes it's all a dream, but it doesn't matter. He and I shared a common bond -- the thought of making it with Janet Jackson, peak Janet Jackson at that.
I say all that to say this: You can lust over Janet Jackson just like I did. You can also think about these recently released Houston rap videos and ask yourself, "Would I want my life for a day to emulate this?"
BeatKing feat. Danny Brown, "BDA" Things Occurring In The Video: Twerking, Danny Brown's magnificent gap, BeatKing throwing up Houston, taking turns sitting on a golden throne
I wouldn't necessarily want to pull off this video in real life. Not because being BeatKing isn't a rather cool thing -- it is, considering you're essentially the mayor of every strip club James Harden hasn't stamped yet -- but because there's basically two things to keep me occupied. It's almost like sitting in a modern-day strip club, which is really a twerk factory only with glitter and pasties and body oil.
Chedda Da Connect, "Flicka Da Wrist" Things Occurring In the Video: Wrist motions (heavy wrist motions), sitting in luxury vehicles, sitting on a plane, money-counters, flashing your watch, having kids trail your car, pose with your homies in the hood, strippers tapped up
Had I had the honor of directing this video, I would have had maybe 35 percent of the things listed but then I would also find a way to toss in chefs, Vine and Instagram comedians who have used the track as a sound track, James Harden, Papi from Highly Questionable and everybody else who has made my song the biggest viral hit out of Houston since Chamillionaire's "Ridin Dirty."
D-Boss feat. Slim Thug, Paul Wall & M.U.G., "Big Ballin" Things Occurring In the Video: Driving a car that most consider a "dope boy" car, sitting in a house, sitting on the porch, memorizing M.U.G. verses(!), appearances by Lil Mario and Michael "5000" Watts
Dr. Teeth kept D-Boss's "Big Ballin" video relatively short and sweet. J-Dawg being absent sort of hampers this a bit, but good Lord, look at all that property that may be gentrified in the next few years. Prime trap real estate right there. Having Lil Mario for the video jumps this up maybe a million times. Having RiFF RaFF and Lil Mario would have made every writer in existence realize that RiFF RaFF's entire flow is borrowed from the Swishahouse OG. Then the universe would implode, so let's move on.
Just Brittany, "A Drug Called Love" Things Occurring In the Video: People getting shot, Just Brittany dancing and looking seductive in the rain, doctors, Golden Guns like it's 007 GoldenEye, shrinks, a guy who may have been a Kappa playing a love interest, strippers, death
All of that above looks like a short version of what happened at any given time during Boardwalk Empire, but Just Brittany keeps the train rolling with more visuals that sort of encapsulate everything there is about her that warrants a fan base. The type of loyal fan base that calls for Rihanna (and her songwriters) to give Just Brittany props over "Better Have My Money," and also those who figure the redheaded bombshell is going to pop. I'd never want to be in a Bonnie & Clyde situation like the video shows because have you ever heard of Clyde surviving such a thing? Nope.
Story continues on the next page.
Maxo Kream feat. Father, "Cell Boomin" Things Occurring In the Video: A house party, iPhones and Samsung Galaxies, partially naked women, plenty of smoking, assorted color bandannas, the question of "Where is my old Nokia phone?"
The charm of this video is that it had to be shot around SXSW, since both rappers' schedules meant they would be in Austin around the same time. Choosing an A$AP Rocky party as the location also makes perfect sense, because people radiate toward Rocky. Plus, had this literally been a shot-for-shot version of Master P's I'm Bout It movie, it would have won the hood Oscar for Best Flick.
Sauce Walka, "No Features" Things Occurring In the Video: Air guitar, a pickax being thrown into cars, plenty of cameos, red bandannas, fireworks, praying hands
If the Sauce Twinz ever wanted to remake their own version of The Warriors, there's no doubt in my mind that Walka and Saucy would be Swan and Cleon, though I'm pretty sure they would have handled that shit with Luther in the beginning and told the rest of the gangs to get down or lay down. "No Features" is a rock-star video for a guy who literally believes he's a diamond-wearing preacher pimp. Michael Artis captured that essence as best he could.
Stockz, "Knockin" Things Occurring In the Video: Paranoia, half-naked police officers, weed smoke, the homies who are just as high as you are
I know Reginald Ghonson has a belief: "Don't Smoke With Reggie." After seeing this video from Stockz's aptly titled IGNORANCE EP, I'm fairly convinced that if I smoke with him, I'm either going to be seduced by two chicks straight out of He Got Game or wonder where in the hell I am going to hide my stash if the cops come. I'd want option A, but given my current life, B sounds like a more likely moment.
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