I Can Only Have Sex When I'm Drunk or High. Help!

I Can Only Have Sex When I'm Drunk or High. Help!
Photo by Jeff Fitlow


Dear Willie D:

It's bad when you’re married to a woman who don’t turn you on unless you’re chemically imbalanced. My wife used to be gorgeous, but in the past six years she’s fell so far off that I’d rather masturbate than be intimate with her. In fact, the only time I can ever be intimate with her is when I’m drunk or high.

I care about her, but I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. It’s not the fact that she has let herself go. It’s the fact that she let herself go, and continues to let herself go. It’s like she no longer cares about her appearance. We have three children together. As much as I hate to break up my home, if she doesn’t change soon, I’m out!

Rather Masturbate:

If you haven’t already done so, it would be a good idea to sit your wife down and tell her what you just told me in your letter, minus the crude tone.

Make your point, but don’t forget — for some women, all too often after getting married and having children, looking fabulous tends to take a backseat to being a wife and a mother.


Dear Willie D:

Rarely do you come across the perfect engagement ring for cheap, but I did. At least I thought I did until my girl wore it the first day to work and two of the smaller diamonds fell out. When I called the guy (off the streets) who sold it to me, he said that he don’t do refunds and the merchandise can’t be exchanged.

Since I didn’t get a bill of sale I can’t prove that I bought the ring from him. But I do have text message correspondence with a consumer-rights advocate group like the Better Business Bureau?

Price and Quality:

Without a contract in place it will be hard to win a civil suit, but not impossible. Considering all facts, the ring doesn’t sound like it cost thousands of dollars, so I don’t know if it would be worth the trouble to sweat it. You’ll probably serve yourself better by just taking the L and getting the diamonds replaced that fell out.

That’s what I would do – after I poison his pet beaver, and Magic Marker the words, “Diamond Scammer” across his forehead.

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Dear Willie D:

My son starts college next fall, and I’m going to buy him a truck to get around. I should buy him a cash car, but I think he deserves something a little fancier, so I’m going to take out a loan to get it for him.

My husband thinks I’m crazy, but he is my only child, and I want him to enjoy his collegiate career. What’s wrong with wanting the best for your child?

Fancy Things:

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child. If you were a single mother, knowing that you would probably buy the truck anyway, I would say do it and offer some financial alternatives.

But you are married, and taking out a loan on a fancy truck is a big decision that should be made by you and your husband. Knowing that more marriages end behind fights over money would be enough to make me be certain that my spouse is on board before making a huge purchase. But that’s just me — and millions of others who have walked the green mile of splitsville.


Dear Willie D:

Okay, so I live with my boyfriend and his parents, and they have neighbors who are Muslims. People are always coming and going from their house wearing thobes and face veils. I understand it’s part of their culture to dress that way, but we are in America, and this type of dress code is frightening to people.

Whenever I see them in public I fear they’ll blow up the place. I was in Marshall's department store and saw a Muslim woman cashier in full garb. I was shocked. If you or I were in a Muslim country, we might be killed for dressing like a Westerner. So why should we have to adapt to their culture and not the other way around?

Dress Code:

I hear you, but if we are going to put things in the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution that says everyone in the United States has the right to practice his or her own religion, or no religion at all, we kind of gotta include Muslims.

I feel you, though. It sucks that we don’t get to pick and choose the amount of rights each group should be allotted, and still get to call America a free country.

Ask Willie D anything at willied.com/askwillied, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.

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