I Don't Want My Man Having Female Friends. Help!
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Photo courtesy of Peter Beste
I DON'T WANT MY BOYFRIEND TO HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS
Dear Willie D:
I have been with my boyfriend for one year, and it's been mostly good times. We are both 18. He is an attractive guy, so of course girls flirt with him. He is also nice, so he has many female friends who he sometimes talks to on the phone.
It's not that I don't trust him. I don't trust the girls he's friends with. One girl in particular, who he dated before, we met is very attractive, and I just can't help but be jealous of her, being that they used to date.
I told him to delete her phone number, and stop talking to her but he refuses to. How can I get him to stop being her friend?
I can understand your need to protect your relationship with your boyfriend, but you're wrong. It's not fair for you to make demands on who he should be friends with. What if he tried to control who you should be friends with?
Granted, the main female in question is his ex and there's always the possibility that they may still have feelings for one another, but you have to let the chips fall where they may. He doesn't need you to monitor his phone calls to prevent him from cheating. If he wants to cheat he will cheat.
Basically this boils down to trust. Your insecurities come from the fact that you don't trust your boyfriend. It sounds like he and his ex still care about each other in a platonic way. As long as there are boundaries in place, you shouldn't be worried. Don't ask him to betray a friend he's known before he met you just to make you feel better.
You're in a sticky situation. Having the capacity to accept the fact that your significant other continues to communicate with his ex when there's no child involved is not for everybody, and no one would fault you for moving on.
Sometimes exes make better friends than lovers. I have an ex-girlfriend whom I've been a platonic friend with for years. I was a pallbearer at her grandmother's funeral. I love her entire family. If I meet a woman today and she can't accept her, she can't accept me.
TRYING TO DECIDE HOW MUCH TO SPEND ON MY WEDDING
Dear Willie D:
First let me say that my friends and I are big fans of your column. My 63-year-old mother even loves you. As I type this letter I am sitting in my living room with three of my best girlfriends and my sister, drinking Mimosas having a discussion about my wedding budget, which at the moment is north of $22,000.00. My sister and one of my friends think that's too much. So right now the vote is two in favor of my current budget, and two in favor of cutting expenses -- I can't make my mind up.
My fiancée and I both have decent jobs that allow us to live in a luxury apartment, and drive nice cars. We have enough savings to cover our wedding expenses, but not much more than that. Since we're at an impasse, my friend came up with the super idea to ask Willie D to break the tie. I value your sage advice so much that whatever you say is the way I will go.
How much do you think we should budget? The wedding is in June.
Your dilemma is really a matter of personal choice. It's hard to tell a woman who has been dreaming of the biggest day of her life [her wedding day] since she was a little girl to not go all-out. It's easy for someone who's been married before to say, "Don't spend all that money on a dress you're only going to wear once, or an event that will be over in five hours." They've already had their wedding. $22,000 is a lot of cheddar to spend on a wedding in any case; especially if you only have a little more than that in the bank.
If I were your financial advisor, I would say budget $2,000-$3,000. If you don't overextend yourself by inviting too many people and buying a costly dress you could have an affordable wedding that is just as special as one with an unlimited budget, and have enough money left for a rainy day or a down payment on a new house.
Congratulations and have a great ceremony, but remember the marriage is a lot more important than the wedding.
More Ask Willie D on the next page.
SHOULD I ALLOW MY CHILD TO SEE HER FATHER IN PRISON?
Dear Willie D: My daughter's father has seven years left on a 20-year prison sentence for aggravated robbery. He has been locked up literally her entire life, as I was pregnant with her when he was arrested. I tried to wait for him, but couldn't do it. We were constantly arguing on the phone, and whenever I would visit him. He is just one of those people who is mad at the world, and he was taking it out on me when all I ever tried to do was help him. My daughter has never seen him in person, and she is starting to ask questions about him. She wants me to take her to visit him, but I'm afraid that if I allow him into her life he will fill her head with a lot of negativity because he is very bitter. Please be honest with me, and tell me if you think I'm wrong.
Dear Willie D:
My daughter's father has seven years left on a 20-year prison sentence for aggravated robbery. He has been locked up literally her entire life, as I was pregnant with her when he was arrested. I tried to wait for him, but couldn't do it. We were constantly arguing on the phone, and whenever I would visit him. He is just one of those people who is mad at the world, and he was taking it out on me when all I ever tried to do was help him.
My daughter has never seen him in person, and she is starting to ask questions about him. She wants me to take her to visit him, but I'm afraid that if I allow him into her life he will fill her head with a lot of negativity because he is very bitter. Please be honest with me, and tell me if you think I'm wrong.
Twenty years is a long time to be locked up. The world and everyone in it changes drastically. You should write your daughter's dad a letter and voice your concerns. If he snaps and becomes negative, don't let her go. If he is cool, calm, collected and understanding, then let her see him. When a child wants to have a relationship with her father, you should do everything in your power to facilitate the union as long as it is healthy.
I'm not making excuses for him because I hate excuses, but prison is a brutal and lonely place that will make peach cobbler bitter. Everybody makes mistakes and nobody is perfect, so cut the dude some slack. He's a convicted felon; he's already been judged.
MY HUSBAND IS TOO FAT
Dear Willie D:
This is embarrassing but here it goes. My husband is so fat he stinks. I know that's not polite to say, but it's true. Earlier today I walked into his office to print something off of his computer. Upon sitting down I smelled the most Godawful smell. To put a nose to it I would say it smelled like unwashed butt-crack. I must've sprayed a whole can of Lysol trying to get rid of the odor.
Anytime we attend an event where the seats are nudge against each other like a concert, play or sporting event, if he's not seated on the end with me next to him, the person next to him shifts uncomfortably in their seat the whole time. When I met him he was 5 feet 10 inches tall and 215 pounds. Now he's 340 pounds. Because of his weight I am no longer physically attracted to him, but I still love him.
Whenever I comment about his weight he gets defensive and we argue. How can I get him to lose weight before it destroys our marriage, or he kills himself from his choice of diet?
No Longer Attracted:
It's got to be frustrating to be in your position, but think of how disheartening it is for your husband to live with his condition every single minute of the day. The reason he has a problem with his hygiene is because bigger people tend to sweat more than the average person. Their skin folds on top of skin, which produces sweat in the folds. The sweat in the folds is the main reason for the smell because it's harder to reach.
If you're showing concern for your husband's health and addressing his hygiene issues in a tactful manner with him, there's not much more you can do. I admire your resolve, though, because if it were any of the females I know, they would have been gone when things got funky and I can't say that I would blame them.
If you really love your husband, keep encouraging him. But as Arnold Glasow put it, "When you give honest advice, have one foot out the door."
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