I Get Off With a Vacuum Cleaner. Help!

Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!

I Get Off With a Vacuum Cleaner. Help!
Photo by Mario Jaramillo

SHOULD I TESTIFY AGAINST MY FRIEND'S EX-BOYFRIEND?

Dear Willie D:

I've been getting to know this woman, but haven't crossed the line intimately. I was over at her place and her child's father (they aren't together) came over and started some mess. She and I stood up for each other and he left only to call the cops. I ended up being told that I have a court date in which I was a circumstantial witness to a domestic dispute.

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I was told by her lawyer to take the stand against this guy on behalf of this woman and all domestically abused women. I understand that it happens the other way around too. But now I'm in a situation where my life is at risk in the coming years for a woman who isn't even 100 percent sure about her commitment to me.

If I testify against him people will say, "Oh, he's a snitch." If I don't testify on my friend's behalf she'll never forgive me for not standing up for her. That'll eat me alive from within. What a tangled web we weave. What should I do?

Tangled Web:

Understandably, the prospect of testifying in court can be intimidating, even if you're testifying on your own behalf. The thread in your letter appears to be fear. You fear people calling you a snitch and your friend's ex coming after you for revenge if you take the stand. People will always find something negative to say about you, so what they think shouldn't matter.

But the threat of someone seeking revenge in retaliation for you testifying against them is real because after you get off that stand the judge, the prosecutor and court officers are not going to follow you home to make sure you're safe. Notwithstanding fear, this is a case where you have to do what you think is right. As a general rule, when faced with a pressing dilemma I usually do what makes me sleep good at night.

MY BOYFRIEND IS TOO CONTROLLING

Dear Willie D:

I think I might be in a relationship with a possessive man. He tells me what to wear, who to be friends with, where to hang out and how to act in public. When he calls me and I don't answer the phone, he calls back continuously until I pick up. Then when I answer the phone, he wants to know why I took so long to answer and who is around me.

He once drove to my house unannounced and flipped out when he saw me talking outside in my parents' front yard to a male neighbor I have known since we both were in kindergarten. He made me get into the car with him and when we got around the corner, he choked me and called me all types of demeaning names.

I love him, but I live in fear of him. I know this is not healthy for a relationship, but I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but I don't know how. He has told me if I leave him he will kill himself. My parents think he is the nicest guy in the world. I'm embarrassed to tell them he hits me. What do you think I should do?

Living In Fear:

Please don't ever fix your mouth or fingers to say you love a man who controls you and knocks you around. Expose him. Tell your parents what's going on, break up with him, and get a restraining order. If he's any kind of man, when you leave him he'll keep his word and kill himself.

More Ask Willie D on the next page.

  IS MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME TOO SEXY FOR MY IN-LAWS?

Dear Willie D:

I'm going to an annual Halloween party hosted by my fiancé's cousin. I bought a sexy nurse costume to wear. It came with a short, short skirt. My fiancé doesn't think it's too much, but I'm wondering if it might send the wrong message to my in-laws. I don't want them to think I'm some sort of freak. What do you think?

Too Sexy:

Halloween is one of the few times that women can dress as provocative as they want without being judged. I don't think your in-laws are going to be critical of your costume, but if you're having doubts about wearing it play it safe and tone it down; that way you're not at the party feeling self-conscious the whole time.

p.s. Ain't nothing wrong with being a freak.

AM I SICK FOR PLEASURING MYSELF WITH A HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE?

Dear Willie D:

Sexually none of the girls I've been with in the past few years excites me much. Lately I have been using a vacuum cleaner for blow jobs, and I must confess it feels damn good. I read a story about some guy doing it and I thought it was the craziest thing, but it piqued my interested so I decided to give it a try.

What I like about it most is that I can talk on the phone to a girl, hang up, and get my rocks off without ever leaving home or spending any money. I can also have sex the way I want it without feeling like I'm being a burden by asking the girl I'm with to do certain things. I know this sounds freaky but regular sex bores me. Am I sick for pleasuring myself with a household appliance?

Clean Sex:

Could you be on to something here? You may have discovered the male equivalent to the vibrator. Not my cup of tea, but hey, different "strokes" for different folks. I don't think you're sick, but a checkup wouldn't hurt.

PREVIOUSLY ON ASK WILLIE D

I Live Well But I'm Not Happy. Help!

I Accidentally Slept With My Friend's Girl. Help!

I Took a Good Woman for Granted. Help!

Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.

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