I Think I Want a Divorce. Help!
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Photo by Mario Jaramillo
SHOULD I CALL CPS ON MY MOM?
Dear Willie D:
So we're at the mall and I told my mom that I didn't feel like going back to the car to get her sunglasses, and she slaps me hard in the face in front of everybody. This isn't the first time she's hit me. I get beatings all the time for small stuff. I don't think it's fair the way she treats me. Just because I'm her child doesn't give her a right to abuse me.
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I don't know if it's because they are both females that she treats my sister differently, but this is not right. The next time she hits me I'm going to call CPS (Child Protective Services) and report her. The only thing is I'm afraid they may take me away from my sister. I'm 15; what should I do?
It's understandable that you may not have felt like going to the car to get your mom's sunglasses. Your mom may not have felt like getting up every morning going to work to buy you those expensive sneakers or clothes you wanted at the mall, but she did. So the next time she tells you to do something, just do it. I'm not opposed to implementing corporal punishment to raise children, but I think your mom crossed the line into abuse.
This is a sticky situation. If you call CPS, there's a small chance they may take you away, and you could end up in a foster home. If you don't report your mom she will likely continue to smack you around. On second thought, the situation isn't sticky at all. Your mom is a bully and a child abuser. Call CPS on her and let the chips fall where they may. At the least she'll be put on notice and realize that if she elects to put hands on you, in the future somebody might put cuffs on her.
SHOULD I MARRY MY ALCOHOLIC FIANCE?
Dear Willie D:
My fiancé comes from a family of alcoholics. Both of his parents are alcoholics, his sister is an alcoholic and so is he. He has many great qualities except that one issue. He is generous, loving and supportive. He also has a kid in the neighborhood that he mentors. I'm having doubts about whether we can have a productive, long-term relationship.
Whenever I complain about his drinking, he points out that I also drink and calls me a hypocrite. He uses the word hypocrite specifically because he knows I can't stand hypocrites and it gets under my skin. So whenever he says it I tend to back off and drop the subject. His parents are still together, but they argue all the time. I don't want to be like them 30 years from now. Should I walk away or stay?
I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I have a lifetime of experience with dealing with alcoholics, and I'm telling you to save yourself. Have an open and honest discussion with your fiancé when he's sober. You will get nowhere trying to talk to him while he's wasted. Tell him that he scares you when he drinks and that you love him, but you can't live this way. Recommend that he seek professional help, and that he kick his habit or you're out. Keep in mind if you ask him to give up alcohol you'll have to do the same to gain his respect.
The more your fiancé drinks the more comfortable he will get with drinking and sooner or later you will notice a considerable change in his behavior. He's already calling you names. The next thing you know he'll be knocking you around.
Don't be thrown off by his generosity, support of you, his ability to perform his job and his lack of a criminal record for vehicular homicide. Respect the red flags. A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic.
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Dear Willie D:
I understand that women should be able to wear whatever they want without fear of being harassed or sexually assaulted. But it just seems logical that if a woman dresses herself too sexy to provoke attention she will invite all types of attention, both good and bad. What is your take on the subject?
Many women do want men to stare; they just don't want the men they're not attracted to staring. That's when he becomes creepy and they get all uppity. Personally I enjoy seeing women dress sexy and wouldn't want to say or do anything to discourage them from continuing such a beautiful practice. Conversely, modesty is very attractive to me. A woman can look fashionable and pretty without everything hanging out.
When considering dating or doing business with someone, I'm sure a lady would prefer for men to stare at her face, not her breasts. Wearing clothes that are not too revealing could aid in that. But let's be real. For the most part women are not going to stop wearing sexy, revealing clothes. As a man, so that I don't come off as one of those aforementioned creeps, this generally means being subtle in my observation of the female body.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET A DIVORCE?
Dear Willie D:
My husband owns his own business, which causes him to often work late with his assistant. I believe they're having an affair; I just can't prove it. He has become quite distant over the past three years with me. We haven't had sex in over a year; he doesn't touch me; and whenever he's home, trying to get him to engage in simple conversations is like pulling teeth.
I recently reconnected with an old friend and had sex with him. The things he did to my body were masterfully prodigious. Both of us are married, so I don't see it going anywhere, but the fact that I stepped outside of my marriage for affection makes me question the sanctity of my marriage. I can't believe that I'm in this situation. I was very selective in choosing my husband, and was sure we would be together till death do us part.
I'm 45 years old, and the thought of getting a divorce and starting over scares me senseless. I don't want to get a divorce, but at the same time I don't want to live a lie. How do you know when it's time to get a divorce?
When you stop communicating; when you're a young healthy adult who haven't had sex with your live-in spouse in over a year; when you stop touching one another; when you step outside of your marriage for affection; when not being around him makes you happy; and when you start thinking about divorce, that's when it's time to get a divorce.
Of course you can stretch it out for the sake of the kids or other reasons, but you will only be delaying the inevitable.
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